CleverDonkey.com …Musings, Commentary, Opinions, and Drivel

If today were April 1st I might think that this article was a joke:

http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/25/nyuk-nyukhuh-sean-penn-joins-three-stooges-movie/?ref=movies

That’s a blog post on the New York Times site which claims that Hollywood will be making a Three Stooges movie, and the Stooges will be played by…brace yourself…get ready…Jim Carrey (getting fat to play Curly), Sean Penn (as the bozo-fringed Larry), and Benecio del Toro (as Moe, the living superego). 

Uhhhh….huh?  My confusion led me to deduce that the film would be a tortured look at the sad reality behind the farcical public personas, but then I noticed that the screenplay is being written by the Farrelly Brothers (Bobby and Peter, most famous for There’s Something About Mary and Kingpin, neither of which had much seriousness to them).

So I can’t reconcile this information – something has to be wrong and/or it will never happen.  However, if this amalgamation ever makes it to the screen, I’ll be first in line.

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It’s Oscar Sunday again!!

We will be posting live updates during the broadcast all night! (Well… sort of live… we run about an hour behind on the TiVo cache to capture these images for your amusement. Do you see how we bleed for you, anonymous public? Do you SEE?!)

We hear Diablo Cody is wearing diamond shoes tonight but haven’t seen them yet. However, if they do appear, rest assured that those pics and MANY more will be posted throughout the evening and into the wee morning hours. Look for extra dishiness, cattiness, and typos as we get progressively more punchdrunk and actually drunk as I start to nip into the limoncello. 🙂

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Top Honors

Jennifer Garner

Okay, so I’m biased here because I we used to watch Alias (yes it’s true, okay, there, I admitted it), but damn she is just too beautiful. She looks fabulous, I love the soft messy hair, normally I would diss the black mermaid and collared necklace but she’s too great. I just love her dress! And she’s so nice, she name-checked her stylist when asked for ‘her secret’ to looking so great.

 

 

 

Hillary Swank

Rocks the Versace, also earning high marks with black sleekness and illustrating the one-shoulder trend to come for the evening.

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Couples Fever

Heidi Klum & Seal

Seal & Heidi looked dashing. Seal as always dapper in a conservative tux with a special shout out for the tiny curved-point collar (I’m sure there’s an official name for it but I don’t know what it is). Oh, and the back of Ryan Seacrest’s head as a lapel pin. Heidi showed up in a Galliano stand-up collar red gown that looked a bit like she was a villaness in a Disney flick but no matter; she was wearing it so that it would raise heart disease awareness and money by being auctioned off afterward for charity. All together now…awwwwww!

George Clooney & Girlfriend

They said her name earlier but I don’t remember. But they are a dapper couple — I like how she matched her silver dress to his hair color! Seriously, though, I don’t recommend any floral prints at the Oscars, honey. You’re adorable but that dress looks a wee bit like a shiny couch. I’m sorry, it’s the truth.

 

 

 

Scullcap Boy and Mango Girl (I mean, John Travolta and Kelly Preston)

Wow, this is a pair of atrocities. Engineerboy speculates that Travolta’s hair is actually just shoe polish delicately applied. I disagree, I don’t think it was delicately applied at all. Kelly P’s tropical marinade of a Cavalli dress isn’t actually bad if a little boring (I’m fairly partial to the orange tones myself) but it’s so hard to give that dress its due when it’s next to Barber-elly. Two emphatic sets of Donkey Ears down!! But we are entertained. Especially because we’re now into the Limoncello. We are really entertained.

 

The Rock

Honarary mention here for The Rock. Although he’s not seen with wife/etc in this pic, we simply had to put him after John Travolta so you could see the duplicate skullcap.

 

 

 

Jessica Alba and Jim Henson

Jessica Al-boa, I mean, Jessica Alba, flaunts the full figure and drapes the bump in a garnet Marchesa frock that looks a bit like a Muppet was sacrificed for the cause. But we love her anyway because she’s cute and glowing with impending motheringness.

 

 

 

Double Date Superbadness Lookalikes!!

OMG we are seeing double! Seth Rogan of Superbad fame and his lovely date in the low-cut bronziness are on the left, Jonah Hill who PLAYED Seth in Superbad. Rock on! Dig Seth’s date, too — boy, she really looks like she knows how to take a… oh, nevermind. This is a family website. But if you’ve seen Superbad feel free to crack up. Assuming my joke was funny, that is.

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Redrum

Anne Hathaway

Man, like what is the trend for the one-shoulder dress this year? Anne sported the blood red flowery drapey Hawaiian lei version by Marchesa with an arm swoop, and a cute-but-not-too-cute fall of the hair. It’s a pretty dress and she’s a pretty girl, but wow does she look pale with that bright red color! Better than the spray-on-tan, though, right?? And props for the small elegant diamond earrings. (Kimora Lee Simmons could learn something here, see below).

 

Ruby Dee

Ruby also rocks the red, this time in satin. We like.

 

 

 

 

Miley Cyrus

Miley showed up à la rouge as well, in Valentino. Nice, demure, cute and age-appropriate. Clever Donkeys approve. Just be thankful I didn’t make an Achey Breakey joke.

 

 

 

 

 

Katherine Heigl

Girl just knows how to look good. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Love hair. Love makeup. Love jewelry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Helen Mirren

Lovin’ the red. But the silver sleeves are a little weird. But still, she’s classy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Bow-ring

Amy Ryan

The “Gone Baby Gone” actress sported a boring but elegant navy Calvin Klein.

 

 

 

 

 

Amy Adams

Amy Adams is truly beautiful, there’s just nothing like the natural fair-skinned loveliness of a true redhead, especially in emerald. Unfortunately, she doesn’t wow in this Prouenza Schouler dress, but that’s more about the dress than her. She’s gorgeous. It may also be a fabulous-in-person-but-boring-on-camera type thing — the dress, I mean.

 

 

 

Laura Linney

The dress has interesting lines (good bustle in the back, if you know what I mean and I think you do) but … yawn. I’ve already forgotten it and I’m still typing.

 

 

 

 

Keri Russell

Too skinny, too beige, too boring. These ladies need to do the Cher-in-the-movie-Clueless-polaroid-check to see how that ‘cute dress’ actually looks on camera! I should be a stylist. Okay, email me at [email protected] to hire me.

 

 

 

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Um… hunh?!

Here’s the section where we collectively snort and ask… okay, what were you thinking?!

Daniel Fey Lewis… I mean Daniel DAY Lewis

Wow, dude. Some guys can pull off the two earring look. I’m thinking like Egyptian Pharoahs about 3000 years ago and maybe Rob Thomas but only when he sings that hot latin song with Santana. But you, sir, I am not sure you’re in the camp of Dudes Cool Enough to Rock the Two Earrings Without Looking Decidedly Non-Hetero. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

 

 

Daniel Day Lewis’ Wife in Crazy Ass Bejeweled Black and Random Red Bow Strapped Super Weirdness!!!

And keeping the Day-Lewis clan in the running as the ONLY folks in this category so far, is… his wife! Okay, this is so far the odds on favorite of the night for bravest fashion choice. That is really and truly one of the most unflattering, ugliest, randomest, part-A-does-not-match-part-B-and-they’re-both-slapdashed-on-dress-C items of fashion I have ever seen in my young and hitherto sheltered life. I think my retinas are bleeding. I must move on. Cleverdonkey.com not responsible for screen burn or other pixelated injury to users’ computers because of this image.

 

Marion Cotillard

This dress so almost works. Squint your eyes a little and it’s a beautiful silhouette on a beautiful lady. But why make a mermaid tail dress that you actually embroider fishscales on?! Was the designer afraid we wouldn’t get what he/she was attempting to evoke here? Disappointing, because this could’ve been the gown of the evening were it not for the salmon skin texture. Mmmm… now I want sashimi.

 

 

 

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Oh, Honey.

Cameron Diaz

Ok, Cam, honey, was there not, like, a shower at the Bikram studio before you came to the awards? I’d love to give you props for the ultra-casual non-pretentious hairstyle, but, sweetheart, the Independent Spirit awards were yesterday. Let’s get some style going, hunh?!

 

 

Renée Zellweger

I know I should be kinder because she’s a local girl and all. But yet again I say. TOO SKINNY. Too stressed. Looks like she has a pillbug in her mouth (Engineerboy submits picture #2 as proof of said pillbugs). Gorgeous dress (presumably Carolina Herrera) but horrible Edward Furlong hairdo. I just wish I could give that girl some happy.

 

 

 

Jennifer Hudson

As a fellow well-endowed woman, I think I can safely assert that gathered white halter empire waist dresses are not for our type of figure, sweetheart. You look good from the back but that front view… harsh, girl. Way harsh.

 

 

 

Tilda Swinton as Ziggy Stardust

This dress looks like it was made from the rayon you use to sew a dress pattern before you sew the real one out of silk. This dress looks like the thick rubber liner you install when you build a concrete shower pan. This dress looks like a shiny-wifebeater on the left and a Hefty bag on the right. This dress looks like her real dress ripped on the way over so she stole the upholstery on the ceiling of the limo. This dress looks like one of those suits that make you sweat to lose weight while you run on the treadmill. This dress looks like what the CGI department gives you when they need you to film a digital sequence where your body is engulfed by a giant blob. This dress looks like the inmate gown at a trying-to-be-ritzy mental hospital. This dress looks like the first dress a West Virginia lottery millionaire buys after she cashes in the winning ticket. This dress looks like a bullet-resistant Sari worn by a Welsh congresswoman at a state dinner in India. This dress looks like it was made out of the bolstering from Johnny Cash’s casket. This dress looks like it was recut from Tim Burton’s baby blanket.

Catching breath now. Don’t get me wrong, Swinton was freaking fantastic in Michael Clayton, and I think she’s brilliant. But that is one super freaking ugly dress.

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The Young and the Restless

Saoirse Ronan

The young nominee wears a beautiful jade 1930’s-inspired chiffony thing by Alberta Ferretti. She’s absolutely adorable and sweet.

 

 

 

 

Ellen Page

The Juno star stays safe but that’s okay. We like the young ones to go conservative rather than outlandish. Too many Britneys in this world already. Bravo Ms. Page.

 

 

 

 

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Backgrounders

Sometimes the folks wandering by have some fun and brave looks. Here were some of our faves.

Purple Furwrap’s Majesty

No idea who this is, but that is one furry purple thing that’s attacking her elbows.

 

 

 

 

Got my hand in my pocket and I’m waiting for my rocket to come…

I never have understood the pocket-on-the-formal gown thing. I mean, isn’t the point of an Oscar dress to be as smooth as possible?? I would worry about natural lumps showing through my gown without adding tailored ones!!! (Much less contrasting piping at the breast, under the breast, and at the waist!) Ohhh, and it’s purple, too. Tacky Lilac Trend Alert!!! We’re on a roll!

 

And now

appearing… the singer for “Blue Day”!

The Purple trends marches boldly on with this India Ink hairstyle in the background!

 

 

 

OMG I so, like, totally, omg, like, LOVE your dress!

I’m sure this girl is a nice person and may not necessarily deserve to be pilloried on some random website such as your correspondent’s, but this is a funny picture of said assumed-nice-person telling Jennifer Garner how much she absolutely loves Jen’s dress. Dig the whites of the eyes.

 

 

Random Actor’s Wife with the Heavily Kohled Eyes (oh wait, James McAvoy and Anne-Marie Duff, whoever they are)

I’m sure this lady is actually lovely in real life, but purple went back on trend with the wackies with this dark indigo silk thing and some dark makeup that I’m sure is intended to look sophisticated but instead makes Random Actor’s wife look a bit like a strung out meth addict. But with better teeth and some bitchin’ earrings.

 

 

Yeah, That’s Right. You’re a BACKGROUNDER now, Mr. Busey.

Holy cow, live TV is hilarious and scary sometimes!! Gary Busey — seemingly born to go off-script at a moment’s notice, has a hilarious bit of presumably-alcohol-fueled interrupt-y badness as Seacrest gamely tries to field Busey’s off-camera shouted rant while simultaneously attempting to interview the lovely Jen Garner.

 

Gary Busey, The Return

And it continued, with Busey babbling congratulations at Laura Linney and then grabbing Jennifer Garner and — apparently — kissing her on the neck. That was some class-A live-TV Gary Busey Academy Awards weirdness!

 

 

 

Oh, Honey – Backgrounder Edition. Tsk Tsk.

Is that gold lamé or is it sequin? Is it live or is it Memorex? Is it Victoria’s Secret or is it Frederick’s of Hollywood? I do not know the answer, but I know she was asking the wrong question. Fo’ sho’.

 

 

 

Tweety Couture

Wow. That is one yellow dress. As a rule, normal women should definitely leave yellow dresses to angel-haired three-year-olds at Easter and sassy elderly black women who can pull it off without batting an iron-clad eyelash. I don’t think this woman is either of those.

 

 

The Worst Coat in the Universe

LA must be like Houston, in that whenever the temperature dips below sixty degrees, the women who feel they must flaunt fur drag their poor pelts out of storage for that one or two days of conspicuous consumption that the tropical weather meagerly affords them. This is a particularly fabulous example, stolen from the exact same picture as Marion Cotillard… I don’t even have words to describe this getup. ‘Tacky’ doesn’t even do it justice. ‘Ugly’ would be kind. Unfortunate is the word that leaps to mind, although that word regrettably absolves this satin-gloved Clairol-haired black-hose-wearin’ star-gawker of a woman of any responsibility in said clothing choice. And she must be held responsible. Someone, somewhere, has to pay.

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The Presenters

Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest is going balls-out with a Dolce & Gabbana he-hopes-it’s-trendy black-and-chocolate-brown shawl collar tux with inky black tie and shirt. Brave one. But, he is Ryan Seacrest after all, so we’ll go ahead and cut him a little slack and say we like it.

 

 

Giuliana Rancic

Very reminiscent of Beyoncé’s Armani Privé from last year. Her amethyst-colored Zuhair Murad was nice but boring. Which I guess is what you want in a presenter.

 

 

 

 

Kimora Lee Simmons

J Mendel gown was really flattering but the overload of diamonds-that-look-like-cheap-rhinestones just sort of killed it. I liked the million-dollar-hair clip but the other stuff was too much. Does this woman ever just trust her natural beauty to show through? I’ve never seen her when she wasn’t dripping in diamonds. C’mon girl, let’s downshift a bit and realize that sometimes just you can shine.

 

 

Jillian Barberie Reynolds (Some Weather Chick?)

Tricycle-handlebar-streamer earrings too long. Zebra stripe chiffon boring. Yawn.

 

 

 

 

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Major Nominees (and Winners) for 2008 Academy Awards

Supporting Actor

• Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
• Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”
• Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War”
• Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild”
• Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton”

Supporting Actress

• Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There”
• Ruby Dee in “American Gangster”
• Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement”
• Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone”
• Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton”

Best Actor

• George Clooney in “Michael Clayton
• Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”
• Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”
• Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah”
• Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises”

Best Actress

• Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”
• Julie Christie in “Away from Her”
• Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose”
• Laura Linney in “The Savages”
• Ellen Page in “Juno”

Best Screenplay (Original)

• Diablo Cody – “Juno”
• Nancy Oliver – “Lars and the Real Girl”
• Tony Gilroy – “Michael Clayton”
• Brad Bird (Screenplay), Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird (Story) – “Ratatouille”
• Tamara Jenkins – “The Savages”

Best Screenplay (Adapted)

• Christopher Hampton – “Atonement”
• Sarah Polley – “Away from Her”
• Ronald Harwood – “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
• Joel Coen & Ethan Coen – “No Country for Old Men”
• Paul Thomas Anderson – “There Will Be Blood”

Best Director

• Julian Schnabel – “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
• Jason Reitman – “Juno”
• Tony Gilroy – “Michael Clayton”
• Joel Coen and Ethan Coen – “No Country for Old Men”
• Paul Thomas Anderson – “There Will Be Blood”

Best Picture

• “Atonement”
• “Juno”
• “Michael Clayton”
• “No Country for Old Men”
• “There Will Be Blood”

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One of the enduring mysteries of the series “South Park” are the muffled lyrics sung by Kenny in the opening theme song. For those unfamiliar, Kenny is a young boy character on the animated show who constantly wears an orange parka that is cinched tightly across his face so that it muffles his voice. The lyrics he sings at the end of the theme song are almost completely unintelligible (and also change every couple of seasons – even if the words are difficult/impossible to make out, you can tell that what he’s saying changes every couple of seasons).

In the Wikipedia entry for the series it is claimed that a FAQ on the South Park Studios site revealed the lyrics, but that FAQ is no longer (or never was??) online. That leaves the lyrics in doubt, from my perspective.

Now to the revelation. I regularly fall asleep watching television wearing headphones (so as not to disturb Mynagirl). We also have a TiVo in the bedroom, which means that through the course of the night it will switch channels to record the things with which we’ve tasked it. One of those things is our Season Pass for South Park, which airs at all hours of the night.

So the other night I fell asleep with the TV playing and my headphones on, and the audio from a South Park episode crossed the ear/sleep barrier and invaded my dreams. In my dream I could understand the line sung by the muffled Kenny in the South Park theme song. This realization was so profound that it woke me up, with the newly understood lyrics clinging to my consciousness. I quickly rewound the TiVo to the opening theme and re-listened to it, and I’ll be damned if I haven’t figured it out, at least for the season in question (Season 2).

The episode in question was Gnomes from 1998. And the specific words that Kenny sings in the opening credits are:

“Alligators eat potatoes, alligators eat potatoes…”

Above is the video/audio evidence for your perusal – Kenny says the line starting about 24 seconds in (right near the end, click the play arrow in the lower-left corner of the video window to play).

The Wikipedia entry claims that the lyrics are “I love girls with big fat titties, I love girls with deep vaginas.” Those are certainly South Park-ian lyrics, but my take is that what was actually sung was the nonsensical and poetic “Alligators eat potatoes” and that the more scatalogical decode was released later as disinformation by the South Park producers to build the mystique of the show.

Play the video, give a listen and decide for yourself. Enjoy!

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Red, V’d, and Black

There was a trifecta trend this Emmy season — everyone seemed to either be wearing some shade of cranberry or fuschia, a deeply v’d halter dress, or basic black — or some combination therein. Satin was the texture of choice as well, with very few folks going for the old guard designers, preferring instead newer designers such as Loris Azzaro or Bottega Veneta.

Red Goddesses

Heidi Klum was the reigning red goddess in a deep cranberry tone; she was absolutely a vision in Dior, soft hair, and earrings of her own design.

Katherine Morris (of Cold Case) was beautiful from the front but a bit shocking from the back with the “Cupid’s Dungeon” version of the red satin gown that dominated many a form this evening.

Kate Walsh also chose Pamela Dennis red satin drapeyness and paired it with dopeyness — if that dress wasn’t so clingy I’d swear she had a hip flask concealed on her somewhere. She really seemed a bit out of it and loopy, and the lopsided ponytail wasn’t helping, since it looked like one of those get-my-hair-of-the-way-so-I-can-throw-up kind of ponytails. Um, not that I would know.

Ali Larter also sported bright red satin, opting for the sorority-sister-towel-wrap silhouette. And oh my gosh she could not have been more happy to be on camera, moueing and prancing at every opportunity.

Lisa Edelstein (from House) kept the red trend going. She seemed cute and happy (if a little severe) with her pulled-back hair and deep halter in red.

Felicity Huffman shrouded her shockingly bony frame in a too-revealing David Meister draped halter. Seriously, Felicity, please gain some weight. Cleavage isn’t supposed to show bone.

Sally Field also opted for fuschia, seen here presenting with Patrick Dempsey in a scene we like to call, “I took my Mom to the prom!” (I know, we’re horrible).

Julia Louis Dreyfus slid the pink to magenta in Narcisco Rodruiguez, while Tina Fey did the cute-but-serious-writer look in a simple black halter.

The normally spot-on Helen Mirren seemed a bit messy and out of sorts, combining satin, halter shape, extra straps, a diamond brooch, and an eggplant color along with some major bedhead. Engineerboy dubbed this “Mother of the Bride of Frankenstein”.

Patricia Heaton rocked the slinky halter in glittery gold and gilted earrings. Very pretty.

Other Ladies in Black

Mariska Hargitay, consistently one of the sweetest celebrities at these events, didn’t really wow (but was still adorable) in her black-and-pleated Zac Posen.

Rachel Griffiths was ennh in vintage 1980’s Lagerfeld/Chanel black as well, although that was one heck of a black diamond cuff bracelet.

Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t break any boundaries in Reem Acra black with diamonds, either.

Jaime Pressly wore a really beautifully drapey gunmetal-and-glitter St John Couture (I didn’t even know they had a couture line!). Never did get a good full-length shot of it, but it was really pretty.

Edie Falco was in black floral Randi Rahm.

The Cream Team

Quite a few ladies opted for creamy tones, either solo or with black.

Jane Krakowski did the ubiquitous halter shape in cream.

Debra Messing was gorgeous if unexciting in Ralph Lauren’s interpretation of a tiered tuxedo cake.

Katherine Heigl was truly beautiful in an oragami-armed barely-off-white Zac Posen that I at first didn’t like. I fell in love with it, however, when I saw the 6″ beige lining on the hem. Don’t know why that seems to “make” the dress, but it does. Hmm, I’m either changing my taste or Zac Posen is getting more conventional, because this is the second award show where I’ve liked one of his dresses.

Marcia Cross looked radiant as always (hard to go wrong with that porcelain skin and red hair) but I didn’t really dig the beige-y Georges Chakra gown with the randomly accessorized giant turquoise earrings.

The other two Desperate Housewives opted for pale tones as well… Teri Hatcher in pale pink and Eva Longoria in a pailletted cocktail-length Kaufman Franco.

Hayden Panettiere, a beautiful girl, chose an unhappily flesh-toned taffeta Marc Bouwer monstrosity that looked for all the world like Scarlett O’Hara’s maternity gown. This is why I hate beige tones.

Trend-Breakers

Not everyone showed up in red satin. America Ferrera once again chose a very flattering jewel tone with her cobalt blue column. Could she be any cuter?

Minnie Driver was neon in Citron.

Chandra Wilson opted for a very flattering color of dove grey / periwinkle Randi Rahm.

Wacky Stuff

Vanessa Williams’ seafoam feathery am-I-an-underwater-maiden-or-a-flashy-land-bird dress immediately became known as the “MerCock” in the CleverDonkey household. She was also quite wild and possibly attention-seeking when she jumped into Judith Light’s planned segment during the pre-show festivities.

Joely Fisher opted for a buttercream deep neckline that didn’t quite work. Decided I’d be evil and pick an unflattering shot where she was adjusting just prior to realizing she was on camera :-).

Wacky Stuff Highlight: You’re Outta Here!

Jenna Fisher, who really does seem like a sweetheart, was swimming in a gold-foiled pouf by Zuhair Murad, which she hilariously described as having an “Umpire Waist”. In her defense, she apparently had back surgery and had to wear something that would keep her lower back unconfined. So I’ll cut her a little slack. Still, unless that’s a support brace of a bow, I bet she could’ve done better than that!!

Wacky Stuff Dishonorable Mention

Wow, the Fox anchoress’ shapeless lemon beatnick chick smock was totally horrific!

Emmy Nominees and Winners

Oh yeah, like, if that’s what you’re interested in. Whatever.

DRAMA SERIES
Boston Legal
Grey’s Anatomy
Heroes
House
The Sopranos

ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
James Gandolfini, The Sopranos
Hugh Laurie, House
Denis Leary, Rescue Me
James Spader, Boston Legal
Kiefer Sutherland, 24

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Patricia Arquette, Medium
Minnie Driver, The Riches
Edie Falco, The Sopranos
Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Michael Emerson, Lost
Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos
T.R. Knight, Grey’s Anatomy
Terry O’Quinn, Lost
Masi Oka, Heroes
William Shatner, Boston Legal

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Lorraine Bracco, The Sopranos
Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters
Katherine Heigl, Grey’s Anatomy
Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy
Aida Turturro, The Sopranos
Chandra Wilson, Grey’s Anatomy

GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Tim Daly, The Sopranos
Christian Clemenson, Boston Legal
John Goodman, Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip
David Morse, House
Eli Wallach, Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip
Forest Whitaker, ER

GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Kate Burton, Grey’s Anatomy
Leslie Caron, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Marcia Gay Harden, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Elizabeth Reaser, Grey’s Anatomy
Jean Smart, 24

COMEDY SERIES
Entourage
The Office
30 Rock
Two and a Half Men
Ugly Betty

ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Steve Carell, The Office
Ricky Gervais, Extras
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Kevin Dillon, Entourage
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Rainn Wilson, The Office

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Conchata Ferrell, Two and a Half Men
Jenna Fischer, The Office
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl
Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men
Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty

GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Beau Bridges, My Name Is Earl
Martin Landau, Entourage
Sir Ian McKellen, Extras
Giovanni Ribisi, My Name Is Earl
Stanley Tucci, Monk

GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Dixie Carter, Desperate Housewives
Salma Hayek, Ugly Betty
Judith Light, Ugly Betty
Laurie Metcalf, Desperate Housewives
Elaine Stritch, 30 Rock

REALITY COMPETITION PROGRAM
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing With The Stars
Project Runway
Top Chef

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Late Night With Conan O’Brien
Late Show With David Letterman
Real Time With Bill Maher

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SPECIAL
The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner
The Kennedy Center Honors: A National Celebration Of The Performing Arts
Lewis Black: Red, White & Screwed
Tony Bennett: An American Classic
A Tribute To James Taylor (Great Performances)
Wanda Sykes: Sick And Tired

MINISERIES
Broken Trail
Prime Suspect: The Final Act
The Starter Wife

MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee
Inside The Twin Towers
Longford
The Ron Clark Story
Why I Wore Lipstick To My Mastectomy

ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Jim Broadbent, Longford
Robert Duvall, Broken Trail
William H. Macy, Nightmares & Dreamscapes: From The Stories Of Stephen King
Matthew Perry , The Ron Clark Story
Tom Selleck, Jesse Stone: Sea Change

ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Queen Latifah , Life Support
Debra Messing, The Starter Wife
Helen Mirren, Prime Suspect: The Final Act
Mary-Louise Parker, The Robber Bride
Gena Rowlands, What If God Were The Sun

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Edward Asner, The Christmas Card
Thomas Haden Church, Broken Trail
Joe Mantegna, The Starter Wife
Aidan Quinn, Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee
August Schellenberg, Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Toni Collette, Tsunami, The Aftermath
Judy Davis, The Starter Wife
Samantha Morton, Longford
Anna Paquin, Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee
Greta Scacchi, Broken Trail

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Update 9/1/2007: For those of you who feel that Michael Vick is being treated more harshly because he is black, and that a white person in such a scandal would be getting off easier, please see the case of US Senator Larry Craig. He’s resigning after being caught attempting to entice another adult into consensual sex, which is a victimless crime, particularly when compared to the torture and brutal killing of innocent dogs. And Senator Craig could not be any whiter…he’s the Senator from from Idaho, for crying out loud, what’s whiter than that?!!????

Original article appears below.

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Michael Vick has pled guilty to some of the charges against him, and held a press conference today where he made his first public statements. What I wanted to hear from Vick, the only thing he could have said that would have given him a glimmer of a chance of redemption in my eyes, was to state that his personal enjoyment in the torture and killing of dogs was a mental illness and that he would be seeking therapy for his psychotic behavior. However, he did not.

He tried to be contrite, but referred to his behavior as “bad choices”. However, the choices are not the issue, the issue is that he has a psyche that can torture and kill helpless animals for pleasure. A “bad choice” is getting behind the wheel after you’ve had too much to drink. A “bad choice” would be attending one, single dog fight.

Michael Vick did not make a “bad choice”, he suffers from a mental illness that needs treatment. His affliction is similar to alcoholism or abusive behavior in this regard. A single instance of getting behind the wheel tipsy, striking out in anger, or participating in animal torture are “bad choices”. However a pattern (or in this case a recreational lifestyle) that regularly includes such behavior indicates mental illness.

During the press conference Vick constantly referred to himself in the third-person, one of the surest indications to me of a runaway ego and not of a contrite confessor. This press conference stank of public relations spin, and I got zero sense that Vick actually believed what he was saying. I believe that he is sorry – sorry about losing his NFL salary, sorry about losing his endorsements, sorry he got caught lying to the league, etc. But I do not for one minute get the impression that Vick thinks that there is actually anything wrong with dogfighting – it appears to me that he accepts that society (and the legal system) condemn such actions, and he’s sorry for wrecking his gravy train.

Also, his plea deal is carefully crafted to allow some hope of returning to the NFL. He says he funded the dogfighting enterprise, but didn’t actually place any bets. Please. Even more obfuscatorily, he says that dogs were killed through the combined efforts of the three defendents. He doesn’t come right out and say, yes, I electrocuted, shot, hanged, and drowned dogs for fun. His plea and his press conference lack the full truth and show that Michael Vick is simply playing the odds.

And it appears that the NFL and the Atlanta Falcons are in cahoots with Vick in this endeavor. Shortly after Vick’s press conference, Arthur Blank (owner of the Falcons) held his own conference where he stated: “Cutting him today may feel better emotionally, for us and many of our fans, but it’s not in the long-term best interest of our franchise.” Mr. Blank also said, “We don’t know what the future holds for Michael. Having said that, I do believe in redemption.” That says it all, to me. Mr. Blank is letting us know that Michael Vick will be coming back to the Falcons, eventually. One presumes that he would not have made such a statement without the knowledge and approval of the NFL itself, so it looks like a done deal.

But Michael Vick still needs to stand up and take responsiblity not just for his actions, but for his psychological disorder. Get treatment, Mr. Vick. Deriving pleasure from the torture and abuse of helpless creatures is one of the clearest signs of mental illness that there is. It is particularly reprehensible with dogs, as we have spent generations domesticating dogs to be our trusting companions, to depend on us for shelter, sustenance, and companionship. We have an implied contract with dogs, that they will be our faithful companions and in turn we will take care of them. Turning that dependency into sadistic torture for personal pleasure is a mental aberration of astonishing magnitude.
Michael, I know that you’re sorry you got caught and lost your money train, you didn’t need to say that in your press conference. Now tell me (and the world) that you actually realize the horrific nature of your “hobby” and work to heal yourself.

Short of that, this dog won’t hunt.

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Update 8/7/2007 – Barry Bonds hits #756 to become the all-time home-run leader.

Well, the anticlimax has arrived – Barry Bonds hit #756 tonight. I think Sports Illustrated summed it up perfectly with this visual on their front-page:

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Barry Bonds has achieved an undeniably impressive milestone and proven that he is indeed a great home run hitter. It’s sad that his legacy (and baseball’s legacy) will be tainted by his involvement in the steroids scandal.

Original article appears below.

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Here is the simple solution to the controversy surrounding Barry Bonds’ pursuit of Hank Aaron’s all-time home-run record in Major League Baseball:

• Barry finally snaps his slump and hits number 755 to tie Aaron’s record.
• Barry Bonds circles the bases, doffs his cap, waves to the crowd, smiles, and immediately retires from baseball.

Think about that for a moment. Love him or hate him, you know that if Bonds becomes the all-time home run leader in baseball it will be a bad thing for the sport. His “achievement” will cast a pall over baseball until A-Rod breaks his record. Does anyone want that? In this age of declining interest in baseball the last thing the sport needs is to have its most illustrious record held by a dickwad cheater like Bonds.

But, if he hits number 755 to tie and then walks off the field for the last time, he will immediately be embraced by everyone on all sides of the argument, including people who normally could not care less. It would be the classiest of classy gestures – getting number 755 to show that he *could* do it, but then voluntarily stopping short of being the sole, all-time home run leader.

And, quite frankly, as reprehensible as I find his (alleged) use of steroids, there’s no denying that any artificial help he got was merely to enhance his undeniable, god-given natural ability to hit the ball. Drugs don’t perfect a swing or refine an eye – Barry Bonds did that himself. Unfortunately he chose to juice himself up to make himself even better. But I think it would be fair for him to share the record with Hammering Hank Aaron.

Given the competitive nature that drives people to the levels of excellence requires for pro sports, I doubt this will happen. On top of that, given what I know about Barry Bonds’ ego and class, there’s an almost zero chance of it happening.

However, a man can dream. Can dream of Barry Bonds having enough class to not only stop the runaway train wreck that is his chase for the record, but to launch baseball back into being the classy, revered sport that America deserves.

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Where to begin with the Michael Vick/dogfighting tragedy? My first reaction upon hearing the allegations was “Yeah, that sounds about right”. Michael Vick has always struck me as an egostitical, idiot loser, so adding sadistic torturer to the list wasn’t that big of a leap. I won’t cover the allegations in detail here, but suffice it to say that, if true, Mr. Vick has not only engaged in dog fighting, with all the associated cruelty and barbarity that entails – he also seemed to revel in the creative and sadistic elimination of dogs that didn’t perform up to his pathetic standards.

I’m hearing two things consistently from Vick that confirm just how despicable he is. First, he’s playing the race card and stating that he’s being targeted because he’s black. Listen, dogfighting is so monstrous that ANY person of ANY color in ANY public role would be being subjected to this same scrutiny and outrage. For example, the last time I checked Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan were white. I call BS.
Secondly, Vick is claiming that he didn’t know that any dogfighting or dog training was occuring on his property. To own a property that you visit regularly, and then to claim that you never noticed the extensive kennels, rape stands, fighting pits, bait dogs, and carcasses of the vanquished is simply preposterous to the point that he’s actually giving us the finger, metaphorically. He’s taking the ‘street’ route of dealing with all inquiries by authorities with “I don’t know anything” and “I didn’t see anything” and “I didn’t do anything”. I call BS again. Either BS or Vick is actually mentally challenged.

The issue, as I see it, is that there is a sub(human)-class of people who see nothing wrong with the abuse of animals. This includes “people” involved in sport hunting, cockfighting, dog fighting, bear-baiting, bullfighting, and all of the other blood sports. As an example of this psychosis, immediately after the allegations arose around Michael Vick, he was immediately defended by two other NFL players. They didn’t defend him in the sense of saying Vick didn’t do it. They defended him by saying that there was nothing wrong with dog fighting. Really, they did. Who are these two? Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels from the Washington Redskins. Here’s an excerpt from their stunning defense, courtesy of Sports Illustrated Online:

In an interview with WAVY-TV, Portis said that if the Atlanta Falcons quarterback is charged and convicted of being involved in a dog fighting operation, then authorities would be “putting him behind bars for no reason.”

 

“I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not,” Portis said. “But it’s his property; it’s his dogs. If that’s what he wants to do, do it.”

Portis said dog fighting is a “prevalent” part of life.

Portis, a native of Laurel, Mississippi, added: “I know a lot of back roads that got a dog fight if you want to go see it. But they’re not bothering those people because those people are not big names. I’m sure there’s some police got some dogs that are fighting them, some judges got dogs and everything else.”

“Politicians,” added Samuels, who found it hard to keep from giggling while Portis was talking.

I assume from their breathtaking oratory that they both have law degrees (as well as publicists/agents that didn’t get to them fast enough to keep them from making jackasses of themselves). You know they’ve been silenced by now, but their first, unfiltered responses open a window into the mentality of the class of people who abuse animals and simply think nothing of it. An animal is a piece of property to be used and/or abused as the owner sees fit and it’s nobody elses business.

The only tiny piece of good news in all of this horror is the otherwise universal condemnation of Vick’s actions. In a move that I almost cannot believe, the Reverend Al Sharpton, along with Defmogul Russel Simmons, have partnered with PETA to lobby Michael Vick’s corporate sponsors to drop him. Now, Reverend Al is one of the most dependable defenders of black people who are the subject of witch hunts, to the point of sometimes backing the wrong side in certain cases. However, where a black person is being railroaded by the court of public opinion, you can count on Reverend Al to be there to speak out for moderation and to steadfastly maintain that no judgment should be made until all the facts are in.

But in this case Reverend Al has immediately turned on Michael Vick. That ought to send Mr. Vick a message – even the staunchest defender of black people has abandoned him. The only support he has left is his family (one presumes), his lawyer (a paid lackey), his employer (the NFL would love for him to be able to play), and the other trogolodytic wastes-of-space who think that dogfighting is a good thing.

There are also others making a clear statement about this behavior. Nike cancelled the launch of a new shoe sponsored by Michael Vick, although they haven’t pulled existing Vick shoes (yet). Airtran also did not renew their endorsement deal which expired after these allegations came to light. The NFL has asked Vick not to report to training camp, at least not yet, and the scuttlebutt is that they’re trying to convince him to voluntarily bypass this season in an attempt to separate his trial from the NFL season. And several old white men (including Senator John Kerry and Senator Robert Byrd) have voiced their condemnation of these acts.

[Update 7/27/2007 7:27pm] Nike has announced they are suspending Vick’s contract WITHOUT pay, but not severing the relationship completely. Reebok has announced it has stopped selling Vick’s offical replica jersey. And Donruss trading cards are pulling Vick’s cards from all 2007 card packs. Beautiful, just beautiful!!!

Also, it’s not like Vick was beloved before the dogfighting issue. Prior to the publicity surrounding this investigation, sponsors like Coca-Cola, EA Sports, Kraft Foods, and Hasbro had cancelled or failed to renew their endorsement deals with this loser. So it’s not like these new allegations are somehow bursting his bubble of popularity – he’d been doing a fine job of that all by himself and the dogfighting is serving simply to seal the deal in the court of public opinion.

And to those of you who think that pit bulls are naturally violent and only good for fighting, please do some reading and maybe meet some pit bulls that are owned by educated, loving owners. The pit bull is a fantastic fighter, and that’s the problem. Jerks and idiots choose to adorn themselves with these great fighters because it supports their juvenile image of themselves. And to be sure everybody understands how tough they are (via their dog’s toughness), they torment and abuse their dogs until the dogs become mean and nasty. The same would happen with any dog of any breed subjected to the same abuse, it just so happens that pit bulls are naturally better fighters and so become the canine bling for idiots.

In a more direct example, we own a rottweiler cross, along with another dog and two cats. Our rottie is one of the most loving, caring, gentle, intelligent dogs that I have ever owned. At mealtime our cats will blithely stroll up between her legs and eat from her food bowl. She doesn’t like it, and sometimes will try to push the cat away with her snout. The cat reacts by grooming our big tough rottie’s face and then sidling off. She is a gentle guardian, and we have no doubt that she would lay down her life to protect her pack, and she would be an overwhelming obstacle to anyone bent on wrongdoing in our household.

We had an incident where a long-time friend of ours came into our house unexpectedly through the side kitchen door (he was early for a get-together and one of our family members on the driveway told him to go on in). He came in through the kitchen shouting a hearty hello to the family, but since he hadn’t come through the front door and was entering through an unexpected direction, our rottie leapt up from a dead sleep, leaped across the living room in two bounds with ruff up, teeth bared, and snarling like a devil hound. Once she saw it was our family friend she immediately put on the brakes and gave him a sheepish, butt-wagging greeting, but for about two seconds there we got to see her in full attack mode, and it was astonishing. I pity the criminal fool that ever gets to meet the business end of our dobie-o-matic. But around good folks and children she continues to be a gentle, loving creature with absolutely no malice in her heart.

And what of Michael Vick? His lawyers and publicists are certainly working overtime. Here are two pictures of Michael Vick – one is pre-indictment (street-thug, keeping it real) and the other is post-indictment (wrongfully accused pillar of the community). Can you tell which is which?

Throughout his career in the public eye Michael Vick has maintained his cornrowed, gangsta look. Through controversy after controversy he steadfastly maintained his hard-core look, never deigning to change himself for the PR value. Until now, that is. What kind of pressure could force an arrogant, ignorant prick like Vick to cut off his trademark cornrows? I’d say it was guilt and fear. Not guilt over what he has done, but guilt as in he knows he broke the law. And fear as in the fear of losing it all and being seen for the pathetic, sadistic loser that he really is.

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First let’s all agree that Paris Hilton has never accomplished anything worthwhile, ok? Her “celebrity” status is the result of her complete willingness to prostitute her name and position as an heiress (not to mention her body and sexual escapades) in order to gain notoriety. That notoriety has gained her a reality TV show in which, if I’m interpreting the previews for the new season correctly, she entices six year old beauty pageant contestants into drinking champagne. How noble of her.

She supposedly has a singing career and an acting career, but both seem to be artificially created (certainly not based on talent), bought and paid for by her money and notoriety, and neither are noteworthy in any way. She calls herself a businesswoman, but her ventures into fashion and nightclubs have either gone nowhere or ended in acrimony and lawsuits. Meanwhile, in her shrewdness, she ignores her family hotel and real estate business where she might actually be able to be successful. Oh, and she also shrewdly never finished high school and instead got a GED. College? Nuh-uh, that’s not hot.

Also, she’s not really all that rich. Is she richer than me? Oh, sure – I’ve seen her wealth estimated to be in the $50 million range. That’s certainly enough on which to live comfortably, if one isn’t an idiot, but, well…you know? Early in her “career” I always wondered why she kept trying to land super-rich guys, like the sons of Greek shipping tycoons, as that’s not typical rich-girl behavior. Then I realized that while she is in fact a millionairess, she’s living the lifestyle of a billionairess. And if she is to continue to live in the style to which she has become accustomed, she needs a *rich* husband, and quickly. So, in essence, Paris Hilton is simply Anna Nicole Smith with a $50 million head start.

And now we come to her recent incarceration, which at its heart is based on her drunk driving conviction. I’ve noticed that “the media” makes almost no mention of this fact in the endless stream of stories about her jail time. They have turned the jail time itself into the story, not the crime behind it. And what, exactly, was the crime? It was threefold, as follows:

Paris Hilton’s Journey to Jail
• September 2006: Paris stopped for DUI, and she got 36 months probation, a suspended license, and agreed to attend an alcohol education program.
• January 2007: Paris stopped and charged with driving with a suspended license.
• February 2007: Paris stopped for going 70MPH in a 30MPH zone, did not have on her headlights even though it was dark, AND was driving with a suspended license.
• May 2007: A judge took into account the above violations, coupled with the fact that Paris had not attended the alcohol education program as agreed, and found her to be in violation of her DUI probation and sentenced her to do her time behind bars.

Well, folks, that’s how it works. Probation is not a right, it is a privilege, a second chance, it’s the way the authorities are able to say, look, yes, you made a mistake, but just keep your nose clean for a while and we’ll call it even. But Paris could not be bothered to actually keep her committments or follow the rules, even if it meant keeping herself out of jail.

And now she screams and cries about how unfair it is that she’s behind bars, and she appeals to the Governator for a pardon. Well, pardons are for people who are innocent, not for people who are spoiled pop tarts. Paris has said she feels like a caged animal in jail. Uh, that would fall into the category of Duh! That’s the whole point. You break the law (and a big one at that, DUI), you express contrition, you agree to mend your ways, and you acknowledge that if you don’t follow through then you forfeit your freedom and the state punishes you with incarceration in order to protect the citizenry and also to motivate you to see the error of your ways.

Now after her early release and re-incarceration, Paris is saying that she is learning a harsh lesson, she recognizes she is setting a bad example for other young ladies, and that she will stop “acting stupid”. One hopes she is sincere and that the “stupid” was, indeed, an act that she can choose to turn off. However, I fear that she is simply saying the words her publicist has cooked up to try to minimize the negative impact on her “career”.

One also hopes that she has learned the lesson about how close she came to ruining her life, and perhaps the lives of other, innocent people, by driving while intoxicated. Does she see and understand the example of Lane Garrison, an actor from the TV show “Prison Break”? He was out partying, got tipsy, piled some kids (underage) into his vehicle to head to another party, then crashed and killed one of his passengers. He’s facing six years in prison, and a lifetime of guilt and remorse. And all he did was jump a curb going 50. Paris was going 70MPH in a 30MPH zone.

A couple of weeks in the county lockup? She’s getting off easy.

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