CleverDonkey.com …Musings, Commentary, Opinions, and Drivel

“A real woman could stop you from drinking.”
“She’d have to be a real big woman.” — Arthur Bach, in Arthur

3 great virtues of a programmer;
laziness, impatience, hubris — Larry Wall, as quoted on www.thinkgeek.com

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. — Friedrich Nietzsche

A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets. — Arthur C. Clarke

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. — Steven Wright

A møøse ønce bit my sister… — Monty Python

Ach, shet yer shwyie, ya borker! — Engineerboy, pretending to speak Gaelic

After my dad left me, and then… then… getting arrested for stealing those birds… and the whole punctured lung thing… and it’s still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. — Phoebe’s brother Frank Jr., talking about true love, on Friends

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. — Steven Wright

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men….when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret… — Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?! — Jack Handey

Are you kidding? I don’t think they have a large type, Republican edition. — Engineerboy, giving his two cents on whether or not we should give his grandmother a subscription to The Economist

At a dinner party one night, an inebriated Churchill asked an attractive woman whether she would sleep with him for a million pounds. “Maybe,” the woman said coyly. “Would you sleep with me for one pound?” Churchill then asked. “Of course not, what kind of woman do you think I am?” the woman responded indignantly. “Madam, we’ve already established what kind of woman you are,” said Churchill, “now we’re just negotiating the price.” — Winston Churchill (apocryphally)

Barack Obama speech draws thousands of Iowans who have always wanted to see an African-American in person. — David Letterman

Barry Black-and-White — Engineerboy, speculating on who would sing the theme music for the “panda porn” videos where panda bears learn how to have marital relations

Be the change you wish to see in the world. — Gandhi

Because there are some things that rats just won’t do. — Scientific American, discussing a study where scientists had ferrets watch The Matrix

Because too much meat sauce is just… too much. — The G-I-R-L

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. — Jack Handey

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. — Buddha

Boldly Going Nowhere — Spotted on a bumper sticker near Kerrville, Texas (phoned in by Mynagirl’s mom)

Brother, life’s a bitch…and she’s back in heat. — Rowdy Roddy Piper’s character in “They Live”

but hey i gotta go potty… then im prolly gonna do some extra credit schtuff — The G-I-R-L, juxtaposing her unrelated activities in a chat conversation

But… but… I’m a Yankee!! — Engineerboy, pretending to speak for a pouty and crestfallen Derek Jeter after the end of the ALCS Game 7

Can I have a cookie? No, wait…ten cookies? Can I have…TWENTY cookies!??! — Wilson the dog’s first words when he learns a human can understand him, from the trailer for “Good Boy”

Chick’n good. — Leeloo, in The Fifth Element

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. — Jack Handey

Criticizing income inequality is like complaining that a computer carries a higher price than a paper clip. Price reflects an object’s market value–and the money someone earns reflects the market value of his work. There is no fixed, pre-existing glob of income that somehow oozes disproportionately into the pockets of the rich. Wealth is created. — Peter Schwartz, the Ayn Rand Institute

Delegate or Automate. — Mynagirl’s dad, also a programmer, imparting some very wise business advise

Do not complain about that which you permit. — Weekly thought posted on the Solid Rock Community Baptist Church’s lighted sign

Do you have blacks in Brazil? — George Bush to Brazilian president Fernando Cardoso, as quoted by Cardoso in the Apr 8 2006 edition of The Economist

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. — Roger Caras, President of the ASPCA 1991-1999

Don’t anthropomorphize computers. They hate that. — Anonymous

Don’t corner something meaner than you. — Spotted on Usenet in rec.scuba.locations

Don’t make me snort pumpkin soup out of my nose! — Mynagirl, after a humorous riposte over dinner at Cafe le Jadeite

Dude… ya gotta invoke something. — Jon Stewart, talking about John Ashcroft’s refusal to turn over memos related to torture but without citing any type of law to support his refusal

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end. — Woody Allen

Faith is believing what you know ain’t so. — Mark Twain

Faith means not wanting to know what is true. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Figure it out, Einstein. — David Letterman, responding to Ashton Kutcher’s question about why Dave sent flowers to Demi Moore after her last visit, but none to him after his last visit

Fly, Chickenstealer!! — EngineerBoy, shooing one of the cats away from chicken on the counter

Gary, your acting didn’t kill your brother, gorillas did. — Lisa, to Gary, in Team America: World Police

Gimme tha’, ya noodle-armed choir boy!! — Groundskeeper Willie, on The Simpsons

God is a concept by which we measure our pain. — John Lennon

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. — Origin unknown

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, ‘Dust to dust,’ some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, ‘I’ll be waiting for you in heaven—with a gun.’ — Jack Handey

Hey, I think she has Seasonal Affectation Disorder. — Engineerboy, upon seeing a girl dressed a decidedly ‘fall’ outfit even though it’s 80 degrees outside

Hey, look on the religious channel…it’s a show called “The Solemn Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God”. Is that “Solemn Mass…” as opposed to “Def Comedy Mass…”? — EngineerBoy, while channel surfing

Hey, nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony. — Moe Szyslak, on The Simpsons

Hey, where is the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” set?? — Mynagirl, speaking tautologically

Hey, you could just dive over this like a trick chicken! — Mynagirl, asserting that one could dive over the 3′ railing of a pontoon boat and into the lake

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? — Steven Wright

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis; I don’t know how the can opener works. — Mickey Sachs (Woody Allen)’s father, responding to his soul-searching son’s request to know why evil exists in the world, in Hannah and her Sisters

How will you eat? Through a tube? — Groucho Marx to Margaret Dumond, in At The Circus, after Mrs Dumond reviews a seating chart and states that one guest will sit on her left hand and Groucho will sit on her right hand

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. — Steven Wright

I already gave my best. I have no regrets at all. — William Hung, the beloved, cool, charismatic, engaging, absolutely talentless American Idol castoff who sang “She Bangs”

I am not “a” big fat panda, I am “the” big fat panda. — Po (a panda), voiced by Jack Black in the most excellent movie “Kung Fu Panda”

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. — Jack Handey

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. — Steven Wright

I came in to work today on the subway, which I like to call “The Bipolar Express”… — David Letterman

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. — Jack Handey

I can’t get that cow moo outta my head! — Mynagirl

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. — Steven Wright

I didn’t just fall off the peach wagon, you know. — Annalisa

I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things. — Elaine Benes on Seinfeld

I don’t want to watch Italians play basketball. I’d rather watch Russians play handball. I mean, duh, do you even have to ask?? — Engineerboy, commenting on the dismal state of mid-Saturday Olympics coverage

I dunno. Guts. Black stuff. And about fifty Slim Jims. — Nelson Muntz, on The Simpson, responding to Lisa’s romantic request for him to tell her “what’s inside” him

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it. — Steven Wright

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.” — Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. — Jack Handey

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright

I left Earth three times. I found no place else to go. Please take care of Spaceship Earth. — Wally Schirra, astronaut in the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo programs

I like my toast like I like my witticisms: dry and crisp. — EngineerBoy

I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me. — Farmer Ted, aka The Geek (Anthony Michael Hall) in the film Sixteen Candles

I never had a really good pickle. — Jerry Seinfeld, replying to George Costanza, after George complains that he’s never had a “normal, medium, orgasm”

I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat”. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. — Jack Handey

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.” — Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”. — Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?” — Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright

I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night? — Woody Allen, in Play it Again, Sam

I’ll try, but I barely remember to bring my clothes home and they’re kind of attached to me — Engineerboy, responding in chat to my request to help me remember to bring something home from work

I’m Adam and I’m adamant about livin’ large. — Adam Yauch, of the Beastie Boys, from the still mind-blowingly funky album Paul’s Boutique

I’m from a little place called England. We ran the world before you. — Ricky Gervais, of the BBC America hit The Office, accepting his Golden Globe award

I’m hot… I’m sleepy… I’m hungry… rub my butt… Kleenexes!!! — Engineerboy, trying to imagine the thoughts rolling around in our dog Biscuit’s head

I, list full name, do herby [sic] endorse George W. Bush for reelection of the United States. — from an oath form to get into a Dick Cheney speech, as shown on The Daily Show

If English is good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas. — Texas Governor (1924) Ma Ferguson on bilingual education, as quoted on 60 Minutes

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace. — John Lennon

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting. — Jack Handey

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. — Jack Handey

If we dig precious things from the land, we will invite disaster.
Near the day of Purification, there will be cobwebs spun back and forth in the sky.
A container of ashes might one day be thrown from the sky, which could burn the land and boil the oceans. — Hopi prophecies

If you don’t read the newspapers you are uninformed – if you do read the newspapers you are misinformed. — Mark Twain

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you. — Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because man, they’re gone. — Jack Handey

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. — Jack Handey

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact. — Jack Handey

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, “Can’t you make it shoot farther?” “No, I’m sorry. That’s as far as it shoots.” — Jack Handey

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone. — Jack Handey

If you speak the truth, keep one foot in the stirrup. — Turkish proverb

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness. — Jack Handey

If you wanna end war and stuff you gotta sing loud! — Arlo Guthrie, in Alice’s Restaurant

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. — Jack Handey

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. — Steven Wright

In school they told me “practice makes perfect” and then they told me “nobody’s perfect” so then I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright

Indonesia at a Crossroads — Title of an article in the December 11th issue of The Economist

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? — Epicurus

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk. — Jack Handey

It don’t make no much sense otherhow… — Mynagirl, showing that she’s adapting quite nicely to country living

It looks like someone’s trying to corrupt the Internet! — Eye-rolling statement from Random Tech Worker1 to Random Tech Worker2 on the season premiere of “24″

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight. — Jack Handey

It’ll be like a safari for you. Maybe we’ll see a herd of Lutherans. — Frank Barone to his Presbyterian in-laws, encouraging them to try Catholic church with them, on Everybody Loves Raymond

It’ll take you from Oh no he didn’t to I wish a motherf**ker would in no time. — Queen Latifah, in a Saturday Night Live spoof commercial for Exedrin “Racial Tension Headache” formula

It’s a look that screams, “You Democratic jack-offs are no match for Xanax and Talbot’s” — Ed Helms on The Daily Show, speaking for Mrs. Alito — better dressed and no longer crying — on Day 2 of her husband’s Supreme Court confirmation hearings

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. — Steven Wright

It’s always a nice surprise when they can actually sing. — Jimmy Kimmel, host of the AMA Awards, after a startlingly good acoustic number by Pink

It’s Deluxe, son. Super Star Extraordinaire. Get it right. — Coca-Cola commercial

It’s like, I’m trying to solve a problem and somebody stole my facts. — Engineerboy, attempting to solve an especially tricky engineering problem

It’s so hard to believe in anything anymore…it’s like religion, you can’t really take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary, and then on the other hand science, you know, is just pure empiricism and by virtue of its method excludes metaphysics. And I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch. — Steve Martin, from A Wild & Crazy Guy

I’d like to cover him in liver and turn him loose, and then see if he’s as fast and elusive as they say he is. — Jon Stewart, regarding Michael Vick

I’m not gonna race an old lady just so we can use her toilets!! — EngineerBoy, responding to Mynagirl’s request to “hurry up” to his mother’s house on the way back from dinner in separate cars because Mynagirl had to pee badly

Juuuuust a bit outside… — Harry Doyle, in Major League

Leadership is a form of evil. No one needs to lead you to do something that is obviously good for you. — Scott Adams, in The Dilbert Blog

Leonard’s what’s-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party, cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade, you symbiotic stupid jerk, stir-fried Flanders, I am talking about you! — Homer Simpson, singing his version of The End of the World as We Know It, by REM

Livin’ in the fast food bag
Makin’ friends with the ketchup and salt — Jason Mraz, in Too Much Food

Look, dear, I’m reading The Economist! Did you know Indonesia is at a crossroads? It is, dear, it is!! — A suddenly upper-class Homer Simpson, to Marge Simpson, after an unexpected air-travel upgrade to first class seating, on The Simpsons

Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wings – very soon get nowhere. — Inspector Sidney Wang (Peter Sellers) in “Murder by Death”

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satieties. — Marge and Homer Simpson, after Homer mistakenly listens to subliminal vocabulary-building tapes instead of weight-loss tapes

Moses had a wonderful rapport with God, whom I’m sure you’ll all remember from last week’s sermon… — Comedian David Steinberg in his infamous “Moses” sermon, which contributed to the cancellation of the groundbreaking “The Smothers Brothers Show”

Most people respect the badge. Everyone respects the gun. — Turk (Robert De Niro’s character in Righteous Kill)

My computer is dumb, it thinks too much about stupid stuff. — The G-I-R-L, lamenting the slow boot-up of her WindowsME computer

My farts smell like butterscotch. It’s true! They either smell like butt, or scotch. — SNL skit of Gary Busey going off script while filming a DirectTV commercial

Mynagirl: C’mon, you can do ANYTHING for 90 minutes!
EngineerBoy: Well, that’s not exactly true… — Mynagirl trying to convince EngineerBoy that he should try Hot Yoga even though he hates being hot

Name one thing I eat that comes out of a can that sprays!!! — Engineerboy, bristling at the very suggestion that he likes EZ Cheez or any of its analogs

Nobody died when Clinton lied. — T-shirt seen at mall on Saturday, 10/10/2004

Not knowing is much more interesting than believing an answer which might be wrong. — Richard Feynman

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now he’s got more women than you can shake a stick at… if that’s your idea of a good time. — Groucho Marx, in Monkey Business

Oh no! I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world! — Homer Simpson, after the crayon was removed from his skull that’s been making him dumb his whole life

Oh, I hope not. — Jose Jimenez, as an astronaut, when asked by an interviewer if what he was holding was a “crash helmet”

Oh, it’s ‘Enter Sandtrap’ — Engineerboy, commenting on too-intense-for-golf Metallica-like hard rock music being played over the promos for the NEC Invitational

Okay, there are now officially no more people in New Zealand to thank. — Billy Crystal, 76th Annual Academy Awards Host, after the 4th or 5th Lord of the Rings win of the evening (there were 11 total)

On you, maybe. — The Dude, in The Big Lebowski, responding to Jackie Treehorn’s assertion that the brain is the “biggest erogenous zone”

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. — Albert Einstein, commenting on his famed lack of fashion sense

People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don’t put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible. — James Raskin, law professor from the American University testifying at hearings on a proposed Maryland law banning gay marriages

Prepare to improvise! — John Lovitz, speaking to a live camel, in a clearly ad-libbed line from a late 80’s Saturday Night Live

Public Function GetAbbr(InName As String) As String
GetAbbr = GetAbbr(InName)
End Function — Sisyphus, if he were a programmer

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear. — Thomas Jefferson

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. — Phillip K. Dick

Scientifica inapplicia: the strong desire to violently shake fellow system administrators who seem never to have encountered the scientific method. — Eve Nemeth et al, in UNIX System Administration Handbook, Third Edition (under the heading “System Administration Personality Syndrome”)

Scott, are those shrimp or spawns? — Engineerboy’s sweet mom, asking the contents of his mixed grill fajita plate

Smithers, get this Bedlamite an Alienist! — C. Montgomery Burns on The Simpsons

Some people are like slinkies. They are not really good for anything; however, they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. — Jack Handey

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. — Jack Handey

Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, “Man! I really need to fix that roof.” — Jack Handey

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sandbag you in the meatloaf area. — Mynagirl, sounding like she’s referring to a painful injury but she’s really just talking about who’s going to make dinner

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards. — Sir Fred Hoyle

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. — Monty Python

Thanks, Janet Jackson! — Engineerboy, after a thoroughly refreshing and enjoyable (to us) Super Bowl half-time show with Paul McCartney

The biggest issue this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it’s called leadership, and frankly, we can’t get enough of it. — Scott Adams, in the Dilbert Newsletter 57.0

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. — Steven Wright

The laws and Constitution are designed to survive, and remain in force, in extraordinary times. — Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing for the majority, affirming that detainees at Guantanamo Bay have rights

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties, they think it is their fault. — Henry Kissinger

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…’ — Isaac Asimov

Thelma Todd : Oh, Professor, you’re full of whimsy.
Groucho : Can you notice it from there? I’m always that way after I eat radishes. — Exchange between Groucho and lady character from “Horse Feathers”

There are four boxes to use in the defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, ammo. Use in that order. — Unknown

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. — Albert Einstein

There is now one team here they are shooting better than from the outside — the Russian women. — Bob Costas, talking about the disappointing USA Men’s 2004 Olympic Basketball so-called “Dream Team”

These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined. — Homer Simpson, discussing his admittance to the secret Stonecutters’ Society

They also serve who only stand and wait. — Engineerboy, commenting on the usefulness of a never-used RS/6000 sitting untouched in our company supply room

This is known as a “California Dress” — on a clear night you can see Catalina. — Groucho Marx, emcee’ing a fashion show in The Store

This isn’t war. This is a couple of white guys having a slap-fight over the last cucumber sandwich. — Darryl Hammond, playing Bill Clinton commenting on the presidential race, on Saturday Night Live

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. — Benjamin Franklin

To say this convention is manipulative is like saying Marcel Marceau is a ‘a little bit quiet’. — Steven Colbert, on The Daily Show

Today we start fresh. — Rotorgirl, Mynagirl’s Virtual Office Mate

Tyrone, you know how I love watching you work. But I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, a wedding to attend to, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I’m swamped! — Prince Humperdink, in The Princess Bride

Um, you’re asking her that question. — Engineerboy, responding to the cashier at Barnes & Noble when she asked if we wanted to advance reserve the new Harry Potter book

Wait a minute, let me get this straight. On September 12, 2001, President Bush was not in the Situation Room?! What situation, exactly, was he waiting for, to use it?! C’mon, take the plastic off the chairs, already!! — Jon Stewart, on Comedy Central’sThe Daily Show

Wait until you see how many screws I have left. — Engineerboy, responding to my comment that he looks quite handsome so intently doing hardware work on my laptop

Wait. Does roast beef come from cows?? — The G-I-R-L

Was there no end to this conspiracy of injustice against Red Rider and his peacemaker!? — Ralphie, after receiving a C+ on his Christmas Theme, in A Christmas Story

We invited Mother Theresa to respond to these charges. — Stone Phillips, demonstrating “gravitas” by reading fake news headlines on The Colbert Report

Well, it’s not like I have the tiger by the tail, it’s more like I have the raccoon by the goiter. — EngineerBoy, while making only sporadic progress on a thorny technical issue

Well, my dad was a preacher, and he always said he was in sales, not management. — John Ashcroft, demurring on whether or not he could get Jon Stewart into heaven, on The Daily Show

Well, the Vice Presidential debate is tomorrow night, and Dick Cheney has been practicing his warm sneer. — David Letterman

What good fortune for governments that the people do not think. — Adolph Hitler

What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, “articulate”!! — Mynagirl

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. — Jack Handey

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity. — Albert Einstein

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions? — Jack Handey

Whether you’re an idealistic stargazer like Lisa, or a faded Southern belle who needs the forgiving cloak of night to seduce naive young delivery boys with more pizza than common sense, I say Springfield will be the dimmest city in America. — Mayor Quimby, on The Simpsons

Why were you unpopular with the Chicago police department? — Jonathan Mardukas to Jack Walsh, for about the seventh time, in Midnight Run

Wow, mine are only human powered… — EngineerBoy, responding to Mynagirl’s comment that she wanted to get a “cute pair of Diesel shoes”

You have to trust me because I don’t like carrots. — The G-I-R-L

You know, getting talked into an all-over [haircolor] rinse doesn’t really rank up there with “chute didn’t open” in the scale of tragic life events. — EngineerBoy

You lock the door and throw away the key, there’s someone in my head but it’s not me. — Pink Floyd lyrics

You may very well think that; I couldn’t possibly comment. — Francis Urquhart, in the BBC mini-series House of Cards

You won’t be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters — Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek! — Chris Rock, at the 77th Annual Academy Awards

[After Clouseau accidentally smashes a piano with a mace]
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that’s a priceless Steinway!
Inspector Clouseau: Not anymore… — Exchange between Inspector Clouseau and another character in “The Pink Panther Strikes Again”

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