Posted on July 30th, 2008 in by The Donkeys

The laws and Constitution are designed to survive, and remain in force, in extraordinary times.

— Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing for the majority, affirming that detainees at Guantanamo Bay have rights

I am not “a” big fat panda, I am “the” big fat panda.

— Po (a panda), voiced by Jack Black in the most excellent movie “Kung Fu Panda”

On you, maybe.

— The Dude, in The Big Lebowski, responding to Jackie Treehorn’s assertion that the brain is the “biggest erogenous zone”

You lock the door and throw away the key, there’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

— Pink Floyd lyrics

Name one thing I eat that comes out of a can that sprays!!!

— Engineerboy, bristling at the very suggestion that he likes EZ Cheez or any of its analogs

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

— Woody Allen

There are four boxes to use in the defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, ammo. Use in that order.

— Unknown

It don’t make no much sense otherhow…

— Mynagirl, showing that she’s adapting quite nicely to country living

Barack Obama speech draws thousands of Iowans who have always wanted to see an African-American in person.

— David Letterman

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

— Phillip K. Dick

I’d like to cover him in liver and turn him loose, and then see if he’s as fast and elusive as they say he is.

— Jon Stewart, regarding Michael Vick

Well, it’s not like I have the tiger by the tail, it’s more like I have the raccoon by the goiter.

— EngineerBoy, while making only sporadic progress on a thorny technical issue

If you don’t read the newspapers you are uninformed – if you do read the newspapers you are misinformed.

— Mark Twain

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis; I don’t know how the can opener works.

— Mickey Sachs (Woody Allen)’s father, responding to his soul-searching son’s request to know why evil exists in the world, in Hannah and her Sisters

I left Earth three times. I found no place else to go. Please take care of Spaceship Earth.

— Wally Schirra, astronaut in the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo programs

In school they told me “practice makes perfect” and then they told me “nobody’s perfect” so then I stopped practicing.

— Steven Wright

If you wanna end war and stuff you gotta sing loud!

— Arlo Guthrie, in Alice’s Restaurant

Brother, life’s a bitch…and she’s back in heat.

— Rowdy Roddy Piper’s character in “They Live”

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace.

— John Lennon

I’m not gonna race an old lady just so we can use her toilets!!

— EngineerBoy, responding to Mynagirl’s request to “hurry up” to his mother’s house on the way back from dinner in separate cars because Mynagirl had to pee badly

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

— Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sandbag you in the meatloaf area.

— Mynagirl, sounding like she’s referring to a painful injury but she’s really just talking about who’s going to make dinner

You have to trust me because I don’t like carrots.

— The G-I-R-L

This is known as a “California Dress” — on a clear night you can see Catalina.

— Groucho Marx, emcee’ing a fashion show in The Store

Well, my dad was a preacher, and he always said he was in sales, not management.

— John Ashcroft, demurring on whether or not he could get Jon Stewart into heaven, on The Daily Show

How will you eat? Through a tube?

— Groucho Marx to Margaret Dumond, in At The Circus, after Mrs Dumond reviews a seating chart and states that one guest will sit on her left hand and Groucho will sit on her right hand

Do not complain about that which you permit.

— Weekly thought posted on the Solid Rock Community Baptist Church’s lighted sign

I never had a really good pickle.

— Jerry Seinfeld, replying to George Costanza, after George complains that he’s never had a “normal, medium, orgasm”

Today we start fresh.

— Rotorgirl, Mynagirl’s Virtual Office Mate

Now he’s got more women than you can shake a stick at… if that’s your idea of a good time.

— Groucho Marx, in Monkey Business

If you speak the truth, keep one foot in the stirrup.

— Turkish proverb

If English is good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas.

— Texas Governor (1924) Ma Ferguson on bilingual education, as quoted on 60 Minutes

I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?

— Woody Allen, in Play it Again, Sam

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

— Gandhi

Don’t corner something meaner than you.

— Spotted on Usenet in rec.scuba.locations

Do you have blacks in Brazil?

— George Bush to Brazilian president Fernando Cardoso, as quoted by Cardoso in the Apr 8 2006 edition of The Economist

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

— Origin unknown

People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don’t put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.

— James Raskin, law professor from the American University testifying at hearings on a proposed Maryland law banning gay marriages

Leadership is a form of evil. No one needs to lead you to do something that is obviously good for you.

— Scott Adams, in The Dilbert Blog

3 great virtues of a programmer;
laziness, impatience, hubris

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

— Benjamin Franklin

It’s a look that screams, “You Democratic jack-offs are no match for Xanax and Talbot’s”

— Ed Helms on The Daily Show, speaking for Mrs. Alito — better dressed and no longer crying — on Day 2 of her husband’s Supreme Court confirmation hearings

Hey, look on the religious channel…it’s a show called “The Solemn Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God”. Is that “Solemn Mass…” as opposed to “Def Comedy Mass…”?

— EngineerBoy, while channel surfing

Are you kidding? I don’t think they have a large type, Republican edition.

— Engineerboy, giving his two cents on whether or not we should give his grandmother a subscription to The Economist

Moses had a wonderful rapport with God, whom I’m sure you’ll all remember from last week’s sermon…

— Comedian David Steinberg in his infamous “Moses” sermon, which contributed to the cancellation of the groundbreaking “The Smothers Brothers Show”

My farts smell like butterscotch. It’s true! They either smell like butt, or scotch.

— SNL skit of Gary Busey going off script while filming a DirectTV commercial

Prepare to improvise!

— John Lovitz, speaking to a live camel, in a clearly ad-libbed line from a late 80’s Saturday Night Live

We invited Mother Theresa to respond to these charges.

— Stone Phillips, demonstrating “gravitas” by reading fake news headlines on The Colbert Report

I’m hot… I’m sleepy… I’m hungry… rub my butt… Kleenexes!!!

— Engineerboy, trying to imagine the thoughts rolling around in our dog Biscuit’s head

Wow, mine are only human powered…

— EngineerBoy, responding to Mynagirl’s comment that she wanted to get a “cute pair of Diesel shoes”

Oh, it’s ‘Enter Sandtrap’

— Engineerboy, commenting on too-intense-for-golf Metallica-like hard rock music being played over the promos for the NEC Invitational

Mynagirl: C’mon, you can do ANYTHING for 90 minutes!
EngineerBoy: Well, that’s not exactly true…

— Mynagirl trying to convince EngineerBoy that he should try Hot Yoga even though he hates being hot

Hey, you could just dive over this like a trick chicken!

— Mynagirl, asserting that one could dive over the 3′ railing of a pontoon boat and into the lake

Scott, are those shrimp or spawns?

— Engineerboy’s sweet mom, asking the contents of his mixed grill fajita plate

It’s like, I’m trying to solve a problem and somebody stole my facts.

— Engineerboy, attempting to solve an especially tricky engineering problem

Hey, where is the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” set??

— Mynagirl, speaking tautologically

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

— Roger Caras, President of the ASPCA 1991-1999

Boldly Going Nowhere

— Spotted on a bumper sticker near Kerrville, Texas (phoned in by Mynagirl’s mom)

My computer is dumb, it thinks too much about stupid stuff.

— The G-I-R-L, lamenting the slow boot-up of her WindowsME computer

I’ll try, but I barely remember to bring my clothes home and they’re kind of attached to me

— Engineerboy, responding in chat to my request to help me remember to bring something home from work

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

— Albert Einstein, commenting on his famed lack of fashion sense

Because too much meat sauce is just… too much.

— The G-I-R-L

Barry Black-and-White

— Engineerboy, speculating on who would sing the theme music for the “panda porn” videos where panda bears learn how to have marital relations

You won’t be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters — Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek!

— Chris Rock, at the 77th Annual Academy Awards

Thelma Todd : Oh, Professor, you’re full of whimsy.
Groucho : Can you notice it from there? I’m always that way after I eat radishes.

— Exchange between Groucho and lady character from “Horse Feathers”

Thanks, Janet Jackson!

— Engineerboy, after a thoroughly refreshing and enjoyable (to us) Super Bowl half-time show with Paul McCartney

Um, you’re asking her that question.

— Engineerboy, responding to the cashier at Barnes & Noble when she asked if we wanted to advance reserve the new Harry Potter book

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…’

— Isaac Asimov

These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.

— Homer Simpson, discussing his admittance to the secret Stonecutters’ Society

Wait until you see how many screws I have left.

— Engineerboy, responding to my comment that he looks quite handsome so intently doing hardware work on my laptop

It looks like someone’s trying to corrupt the Internet!

— Eye-rolling statement from Random Tech Worker1 to Random Tech Worker2 on the season premiere of “24”

Indonesia at a Crossroads

— Title of an article in the December 11th issue of The Economist

Look, dear, I’m reading The Economist! Did you know Indonesia is at a crossroads? It is, dear, it is!!

— A suddenly upper-class Homer Simpson, to Marge Simpson, after an unexpected air-travel upgrade to first class seating, on The Simpsons

They also serve who only stand and wait.

— Engineerboy, commenting on the usefulness of a never-used RS/6000 sitting untouched in our company supply room

Because there are some things that rats just won’t do.

— Scientific American, discussing a study where scientists had ferrets watch The Matrix

It’ll be like a safari for you. Maybe we’ll see a herd of Lutherans.

— Frank Barone to his Presbyterian in-laws, encouraging them to try Catholic church with them, on Everybody Loves Raymond

I came in to work today on the subway, which I like to call “The Bipolar Express”…

— David Letterman

Oh, I hope not.

— Jose Jimenez, as an astronaut, when asked by an interviewer if what he was holding was a “crash helmet”

But… but… I’m a Yankee!!

— Engineerboy, pretending to speak for a pouty and crestfallen Derek Jeter after the end of the ALCS Game 7

Gary, your acting didn’t kill your brother, gorillas did.

— Lisa, to Gary, in Team America: World Police

It’ll take you from Oh no he didn’t to I wish a motherf**ker would in no time.

— Queen Latifah, in a Saturday Night Live spoof commercial for Exedrin “Racial Tension Headache” formula

Nobody died when Clinton lied.

— T-shirt seen at mall on Saturday, 10/10/2004

Well, the Vice Presidential debate is tomorrow night, and Dick Cheney has been practicing his warm sneer.

— David Letterman

Scientifica inapplicia: the strong desire to violently shake fellow system administrators who seem never to have encountered the scientific method.

— Eve Nemeth et al, in UNIX System Administration Handbook, Third Edition (under the heading “System Administration Personality Syndrome”)

Delegate or Automate.

— Mynagirl’s dad, also a programmer, imparting some very wise business advise

but hey i gotta go potty… then im prolly gonna do some extra credit schtuff

— The G-I-R-L, juxtaposing her unrelated activities in a chat conversation

Hey, I think she has Seasonal Affectation Disorder.

— Engineerboy, upon seeing a girl dressed a decidedly ‘fall’ outfit even though it’s 80 degrees outside

Don’t anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.

— Anonymous

To say this convention is manipulative is like saying Marcel Marceau is a ‘a little bit quiet’.

— Steven Colbert, on The Daily Show

I don’t want to watch Italians play basketball. I’d rather watch Russians play handball. I mean, duh, do you even have to ask??

— Engineerboy, commenting on the dismal state of mid-Saturday Olympics coverage

There is now one team here they are shooting better than from the outside — the Russian women.

— Bob Costas, talking about the disappointing USA Men’s 2004 Olympic Basketball so-called “Dream Team”

God is a concept by which we measure our pain.

— John Lennon

I, list full name, do herby [sic] endorse George W. Bush for reelection of the United States.

— from an oath form to get into a Dick Cheney speech, as shown on The Daily Show

It’s Deluxe, son. Super Star Extraordinaire. Get it right.

— Coca-Cola commercial

Ach, shet yer shwyie, ya borker!

— Engineerboy, pretending to speak Gaelic

Chick’n good.

— Leeloo, in The Fifth Element

Dude… ya gotta invoke something.

— Jon Stewart, talking about John Ashcroft’s refusal to turn over memos related to torture but without citing any type of law to support his refusal

I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

— Farmer Ted, aka The Geek (Anthony Michael Hall) in the film Sixteen Candles

Why were you unpopular with the Chicago police department?

— Jonathan Mardukas to Jack Walsh, for about the seventh time, in Midnight Run

Don’t make me snort pumpkin soup out of my nose!

— Mynagirl, after a humorous riposte over dinner at Cafe le Jadeite

This isn’t war. This is a couple of white guys having a slap-fight over the last cucumber sandwich.

— Darryl Hammond, playing Bill Clinton commenting on the presidential race, on Saturday Night Live

You know, getting talked into an all-over [haircolor] rinse doesn’t really rank up there with “chute didn’t open” in the scale of tragic life events.

— EngineerBoy

Oh no! I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world!

— Homer Simpson, after the crayon was removed from his skull that’s been making him dumb his whole life

Hey, nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony.

— Moe Szyslak, on The Simpsons

“A real woman could stop you from drinking.”
“She’d have to be a real big woman.”

— Arthur Bach, in Arthur

Livin’ in the fast food bag
Makin’ friends with the ketchup and salt

— Jason Mraz, in Too Much Food

Wait. Does roast beef come from cows??

— The G-I-R-L

Okay, there are now officially no more people in New Zealand to thank.

— Billy Crystal, 76th Annual Academy Awards Host, after the 4th or 5th Lord of the Rings win of the evening (there were 11 total)

I already gave my best. I have no regrets at all.

— William Hung, the beloved, cool, charismatic, engaging, absolutely talentless American Idol castoff who sang “She Bangs”

Leonard’s what’s-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party, cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade, you symbiotic stupid jerk, stir-fried Flanders, I am talking about you!

— Homer Simpson, singing his version of The End of the World as We Know It, by REM

Figure it out, Einstein.

— David Letterman, responding to Ashton Kutcher’s question about why Dave sent flowers to Demi Moore after her last visit, but none to him after his last visit

I’m from a little place called England. We ran the world before you.

— Ricky Gervais, of the BBC America hit The Office, accepting his Golden Globe award

I’m Adam and I’m adamant about livin’ large.

— Adam Yauch, of the Beastie Boys, from the still mind-blowingly funky album Paul’s Boutique

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

— Sir Fred Hoyle

I dunno. Guts. Black stuff. And about fifty Slim Jims.

— Nelson Muntz, on The Simpson, responding to Lisa’s romantic request for him to tell her “what’s inside” him

Was there no end to this conspiracy of injustice against Red Rider and his peacemaker!?

— Ralphie, after receiving a C+ on his Christmas Theme, in A Christmas Story

It’s always a nice surprise when they can actually sing.

— Jimmy Kimmel, host of the AMA Awards, after a startlingly good acoustic number by Pink

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satieties.

— Marge and Homer Simpson, after Homer mistakenly listens to subliminal vocabulary-building tapes instead of weight-loss tapes

Can I have a cookie? No, wait…ten cookies? Can I have…TWENTY cookies!??!

— Wilson the dog’s first words when he learns a human can understand him, from the trailer for “Good Boy”

Juuuuust a bit outside…

— Harry Doyle, in Major League

Tyrone, you know how I love watching you work. But I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, a wedding to attend to, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I’m swamped!

— Prince Humperdink, in The Princess Bride

Public Function GetAbbr(InName As String) As String
GetAbbr = GetAbbr(InName)
End Function

— Sisyphus, if he were a programmer

What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, “articulate”!!

— Mynagirl

I can’t get that cow moo outta my head!

— Mynagirl

I didn’t just fall off the peach wagon, you know.

— Annalisa

Fly, Chickenstealer!!

— EngineerBoy, shooing one of the cats away from chicken on the counter

Gimme tha’, ya noodle-armed choir boy!!

— Groundskeeper Willie, on The Simpsons

Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wings – very soon get nowhere.

— Inspector Sidney Wang (Peter Sellers) in “Murder by Death”

I like my toast like I like my witticisms: dry and crisp.

— EngineerBoy

I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

— Elaine Benes on Seinfeld

Smithers, get this Bedlamite an Alienist!

— C. Montgomery Burns on The Simpsons

A møøse ønce bit my sister…

— Monty Python

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.

— Monty Python

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

— Jack Handey

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.

— Jack Handey

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

— Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

— Jack Handey

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

— Jack Handey

Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, “Man! I really need to fix that roof.”

— Jack Handey

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

— Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

— Jack Handey

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting.

— Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone.

— Jack Handey

Some people are like slinkies. They are not really good for anything; however, they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

— Jack Handey

Most people respect the badge. Everyone respects the gun.

— Turk (Robert De Niro’s character in Righteous Kill)

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

— Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

— Jack Handey

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”

— Jack Handey

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

— Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

— Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

— Steven Wright

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

— Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

— Steven Wright

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

— Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

— Steven Wright

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

— Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

— Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

— Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

— Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

— Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”

— Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.

— Jack Handey

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?

— Jack Handey

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

— Jack Handey

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

— Jack Handey

What good fortune for governments that the people do not think.

— Adolph Hitler

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

— Albert Einstein

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity.

— Albert Einstein

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties, they think it is their fault.

— Henry Kissinger

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

— Buddha

A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets.

— Arthur C. Clarke

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.

— Mark Twain

Faith means not wanting to know what is true.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Not knowing is much more interesting than believing an answer which might be wrong.

— Richard Feynman

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.

— Thomas Jefferson

You may very well think that; I couldn’t possibly comment.

— Francis Urquhart, in the BBC mini-series House of Cards

Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions.

— Albert Einstein

On the dogmas of religion, as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind.

— Thomas Jefferson

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