The laws and Constitution are designed to survive, and remain in force, in extraordinary times.
I am not “a” big fat panda, I am “the” big fat panda.
On you, maybe.
You lock the door and throw away the key, there’s someone in my head but it’s not me.
Name one thing I eat that comes out of a can that sprays!!!
Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.
There are four boxes to use in the defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, ammo. Use in that order.
It don’t make no much sense otherhow…
Barack Obama speech draws thousands of Iowans who have always wanted to see an African-American in person.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
I’d like to cover him in liver and turn him loose, and then see if he’s as fast and elusive as they say he is.
Well, it’s not like I have the tiger by the tail, it’s more like I have the raccoon by the goiter.
If you don’t read the newspapers you are uninformed – if you do read the newspapers you are misinformed.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis; I don’t know how the can opener works.
I left Earth three times. I found no place else to go. Please take care of Spaceship Earth.
In school they told me “practice makes perfect” and then they told me “nobody’s perfect” so then I stopped practicing.
If you wanna end war and stuff you gotta sing loud!
Brother, life’s a bitch…and she’s back in heat.
If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace.
I’m not gonna race an old lady just so we can use her toilets!!
Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to sandbag you in the meatloaf area.
You have to trust me because I don’t like carrots.
This is known as a “California Dress” — on a clear night you can see Catalina.
Well, my dad was a preacher, and he always said he was in sales, not management.
How will you eat? Through a tube?
Do not complain about that which you permit.
I never had a really good pickle.
Today we start fresh.
Now he’s got more women than you can shake a stick at… if that’s your idea of a good time.
If you speak the truth, keep one foot in the stirrup.
If English is good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas.
I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Don’t corner something meaner than you.
Do you have blacks in Brazil?
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.
People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don’t put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.
Leadership is a form of evil. No one needs to lead you to do something that is obviously good for you.
3 great virtues of a programmer;
laziness, impatience, hubris
Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
It’s a look that screams, “You Democratic jack-offs are no match for Xanax and Talbot’s”
Hey, look on the religious channel…it’s a show called “The Solemn Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God”. Is that “Solemn Mass…” as opposed to “Def Comedy Mass…”?
Are you kidding? I don’t think they have a large type, Republican edition.
Moses had a wonderful rapport with God, whom I’m sure you’ll all remember from last week’s sermon…
My farts smell like butterscotch. It’s true! They either smell like butt, or scotch.
Prepare to improvise!
We invited Mother Theresa to respond to these charges.
I’m hot… I’m sleepy… I’m hungry… rub my butt… Kleenexes!!!
Wow, mine are only human powered…
Oh, it’s ‘Enter Sandtrap’
Mynagirl: C’mon, you can do ANYTHING for 90 minutes!
EngineerBoy: Well, that’s not exactly true…
Hey, you could just dive over this like a trick chicken!
Scott, are those shrimp or spawns?
It’s like, I’m trying to solve a problem and somebody stole my facts.
Hey, where is the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” set??
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
Boldly Going Nowhere
My computer is dumb, it thinks too much about stupid stuff.
I’ll try, but I barely remember to bring my clothes home and they’re kind of attached to me
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Because too much meat sauce is just… too much.
You won’t be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters — Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek!
Thelma Todd : Oh, Professor, you’re full of whimsy.
Groucho : Can you notice it from there? I’m always that way after I eat radishes.
Thanks, Janet Jackson!
Um, you’re asking her that question.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…’
These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.
Wait until you see how many screws I have left.
It looks like someone’s trying to corrupt the Internet!
Indonesia at a Crossroads
Look, dear, I’m reading The Economist! Did you know Indonesia is at a crossroads? It is, dear, it is!!
They also serve who only stand and wait.
Because there are some things that rats just won’t do.
It’ll be like a safari for you. Maybe we’ll see a herd of Lutherans.
I came in to work today on the subway, which I like to call “The Bipolar Express”…
Oh, I hope not.
But… but… I’m a Yankee!!
Gary, your acting didn’t kill your brother, gorillas did.
It’ll take you from Oh no he didn’t to I wish a motherf**ker would in no time.
Nobody died when Clinton lied.
Well, the Vice Presidential debate is tomorrow night, and Dick Cheney has been practicing his warm sneer.
Scientifica inapplicia: the strong desire to violently shake fellow system administrators who seem never to have encountered the scientific method.
Delegate or Automate.
but hey i gotta go potty… then im prolly gonna do some extra credit schtuff
Hey, I think she has Seasonal Affectation Disorder.
Don’t anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
To say this convention is manipulative is like saying Marcel Marceau is a ‘a little bit quiet’.
I don’t want to watch Italians play basketball. I’d rather watch Russians play handball. I mean, duh, do you even have to ask??
There is now one team here they are shooting better than from the outside — the Russian women.
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
I, list full name, do herby [sic] endorse George W. Bush for reelection of the United States.
It’s Deluxe, son. Super Star Extraordinaire. Get it right.
Ach, shet yer shwyie, ya borker!
Dude… ya gotta invoke something.
I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Why were you unpopular with the Chicago police department?
Don’t make me snort pumpkin soup out of my nose!
This isn’t war. This is a couple of white guys having a slap-fight over the last cucumber sandwich.
You know, getting talked into an all-over [haircolor] rinse doesn’t really rank up there with “chute didn’t open” in the scale of tragic life events.
Oh no! I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world!
Hey, nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony.
“A real woman could stop you from drinking.”
“She’d have to be a real big woman.”
Livin’ in the fast food bag
Makin’ friends with the ketchup and salt
Wait. Does roast beef come from cows??
Okay, there are now officially no more people in New Zealand to thank.
I already gave my best. I have no regrets at all.
Leonard’s what’s-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party, cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade, you symbiotic stupid jerk, stir-fried Flanders, I am talking about you!
Figure it out, Einstein.
I’m from a little place called England. We ran the world before you.
I’m Adam and I’m adamant about livin’ large.
Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
I dunno. Guts. Black stuff. And about fifty Slim Jims.
Was there no end to this conspiracy of injustice against Red Rider and his peacemaker!?
It’s always a nice surprise when they can actually sing.
Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satieties.
Can I have a cookie? No, wait…ten cookies? Can I have…TWENTY cookies!??!
Juuuuust a bit outside…
Tyrone, you know how I love watching you work. But I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, a wedding to attend to, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I’m swamped!
Public Function GetAbbr(InName As String) As String
GetAbbr = GetAbbr(InName)
What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, “articulate”!!
I can’t get that cow moo outta my head!
I didn’t just fall off the peach wagon, you know.
Gimme tha’, ya noodle-armed choir boy!!
Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wings – very soon get nowhere.
I like my toast like I like my witticisms: dry and crisp.
I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.
Smithers, get this Bedlamite an Alienist!
A møøse ønce bit my sister…
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, “Man! I really need to fix that roof.”
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone.
Some people are like slinkies. They are not really good for anything; however, they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Most people respect the badge. Everyone respects the gun.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
What good fortune for governments that the people do not think.
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity.
The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties, they think it is their fault.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets.
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.
Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
Not knowing is much more interesting than believing an answer which might be wrong.
Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.
You may very well think that; I couldn’t possibly comment.
Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions.
On the dogmas of religion, as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind.