Late Show with David Letterman Introductions

Posted on July 25th, 2008 in Television by The Donkeys

Here you will find a very sporadic catalog of announcer Alan Kalter’s non-sensical and hilarious David Letterman intros:

Friday, 7/25/2008: And now… gateway to the Rockies… David Letterman!

Thursday, 7/24/2008: And now… creepy lighthouse keeper… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 7/23/2008: And now… crime-fighting barber… David Letterman!

Tuesday, 7/22/2008: And now… troubled X-ray technician… David Letterman!

Monday, 7/21/2008: And now… amiable drifter… David Letterman!

Friday, 7/18/2008: And now… broadcasting from the snow-topped peak of Kilimanjaro… David Letterman!

Thursday, 7/17/2008: And now… a guy we knew would never amount to anything… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 7/16/2008: And now… the number one name in pet food… David Letterman!

Tuesday, 7/15/2008: And now… satisfied DeLorean owner… David Letterman!

Monday, 7/14/2008: And now… a man who’s asking for your vote for county coroner… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 9/26/2007: And now… a man who answers to the name “Lucky”… David Letterman!

Tuesday, 9/25/2007: And now… muscular, scarred foundry worker… David Letterman!

Monday, 9/24/2007: And now… Marcel Marceu’s protege… David Letterman!

Friday, 9/14/2007: And now… New York’s crime-busting governor… David Letterman!

Thursday, 9/13/2007: And now… a man produced in a facility that processes nuts… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 9/12/2007: And now… elderly scam victim… David Letterman!

Tuesday, 9/11/2007: And now… a man who wants to withdraw his guilty plea… David Letterman!

Monday, 9/10/2007: And now… the latest must-have device from Apple… David Letterman!

Friday, 9/7/2007: And now… a man who left $12 million to his kittie… David Letterman!

Thursday, 9/6/2007: And now… the man who’s patrolled the sidelines in Happy Valley for 42 years… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 9/5/2007: And now… interim Idaho senator… David Letterman!

Tuesday, 9/4/2007: And now… a man whose presidential campaign has raised over 85 million dollars… David Letterman

Thursday, 8/31/2007: And now… pinch-hitting for John Smoltz… David Letterman!

Thursday, 8/30/2007: And now… disgraced Idaho senator… David Letterman!

Thursday, 8/23/2007: And now… pitching coach for the Baltimore Orioles… David Letterman!

Friday, 3/3/2006: And now… mutated virus strain… David Letterman!

Thursday, 3/2/2006: And now… shown with optional touring package… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 3/1/2006: And now… the human equivalent of a dry persistent cough… David Letterman!

Friday, 2/24/2006: And now… Canadian Backyard Wrestling Spokesman… David Letterman!

Thursday, 8/4/2005: And now… the tri-state area’s favorite corpulent sportscaster… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 8/3/2005: And now… disoriented vaudevillian relic… David Letterman!

Friday, 7/29/2005: And now… good hygeine advocate… David Letterman!

Thursday, 6/30/2005: And now… author of the landmark book ‘Dianetics’… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 6/29/2005: And now… the perky blonde who’s the talk of women’s tennis… David Letterman!

Tuesday, 6/28/2005: And now… Japan’s number one television personality… David Letterman!

Monday, 6/27/2005: And now… price-fixing petroleum titan… David Letterman!

Friday, 6/24/2005: And now… vegetable rights activist… David Letterman!

Thursday, 6/23/2005: And now… lobbyist for Big Sugar… David Letterman!

Wednesday, 6/22/2005: And now… unlicensed daycare provider… David Letterman!

Tuesday, 6/21/2005: And now… leading economic indicator… David Letterman!

Monday, 6/20/2005: And now… a man with 6 megapixels… David Letterman!

American Idol: The Top Eleven Sing the Beatles

Posted on March 1st, 2008 in American Idol by The Donkeys

First off.  Let me just say:

If you have never heard of a particular Beatles song, especially a HUGE Beatles song, like 'Hide Your Love Away', you should not admit this.  You sound like an idiot.  You do not sound like a singer.  You sound like a dope.  And every time you repeat this fact you sound more and more stupid.  Mentioning that you picked it out from the title.  That you heard it for the first time today.  Etc.  You sound like an idiot.  I weep for the future.

Aside from that, our contestants had a little vapor lock having to face the gigantic sheer unscalable rock face that is having to attempt not only a Beatles song, but another Beatles song after having either:

  1. Captured lightning in a jar and given a fabulous performance last week against all odds
  2. Embarassingly fell on his/her face after running smack into said giant unscalable rock face last week

Either one is painfully awful to contemplate.  I suspect our contestants may have rather wished to move onto Styx Week or Guns N Roses Week or Poco Week or Phoebe Snow Week or Vanilla Ice Week or Leo Sayer Week or anything other than Beatles Week, again.  Just too hard.  Only one person really knocked it out and that was David Cook, rockin' it out Peter Frampton style on "Day Tripper".

  • Amanda Overmyer – Did "Back in the U.S.S.R." and should have wrapped her raspy voice around "Oh Darling"
  • Kristy Lee Cook – Did "Hide Your Love Away", and… well since Chikezie stole the only Beatles bluegrass song, not sure there was a good one for anyone who doesn't know the freaking Beatles songbook.  Special extra awful points for the Kohl's basement bargain dress and bad boots.
  • Michael Johns – Did "A Day in the Life" (which is way too disjointed for Idol-ization), and should have rocked it out with that great vocal control and picked "She Came In Through the Bathroom Window" or "I've Got a Feeling"
  • Brooke White – Did "Here Comes the Sun",;should have done "For No One"
  • David Cook – Did a ROCKING version of "Day Tripper" and honestly it was great.  He could have done that rocker's scream on "Helter Skelter" (not that they would have let him, Manson Family tie-in and all that), but I can't argue with how he freaking rocked what he did pick.
  • Carly Smithson – Did "Blackbird"; should have done "Blackbird" softer and sultrier 
  • David Archuleta – Sang "Long and Winding Road" admirably but he might should have tried "She's Leaving Home" (risky especially because it's a linear narrative but he can surprisingly feel some of those songs)
  • Jason Castro – Did "My Michelle", should have done "Norwegian Wood" or even "Revolution" (the slow version)
  • Syesha Mercado – Sang "Yesterday", should have lost her voice again instead.  Judges on TV liked it but two sets of droopy donkey ears here at the CD household.
  • Chikezie – Sang "I've Just Seen a Face" decently if a bit disorganizedly, but probably should have taken a wicket swing for the bowler (or whatever Britishism is the equivalent of "swing for the fences") with "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" 
  • Ramiele Malubay (who knew she was still in this contest?) flat-noted her way through the snoozer of "I Should Have Known Better" but "Can't Buy Me Love" might have been more her style — still a lightweight choice but maybe it would've been less silly.

Our pick for goner this week is Ramiele or Kristy Lee Cook.  Please for the love of all that is holy, let poor sweet, adorable, undynamic Kristy Lee Cook go back to her horses and family in Oregon.  I think she'll be happier.

American Idol 2008 Dashboard

Posted on March 1st, 2008 in American Idol by The Donkeys

Week four – Top 12 – 3/11/2008 (Lennon / McCartney)

Wow. Talk about something to LIVE UP TO!!

Outstanding:

  • Chikezie rates a HOLY COW. That was amazing with the bluegrass start and the crazy upbeat stuff and some great vocals
  • Carly Smithson was the best of the night, doing a great rock out of “Come Together”
  • Brooke White was clearly nervous and having a hard time playing to the crowd from behind the piano but freaking feeling it, which is what the Beatles are ABOUT. She did a great heartfelt “Let It Be”.
  • Michael Johns rang clear as a bell with “Across the Universe”. As Engineerboy put it, “you’ve got to be naked to sing that song”. I think he means emotionally naked, so I agree with that for sure. I couldn’t believe the judges didn’t love that performance, it was strong and really moving.

Good:

  • Jason Castro – Did a really good job with “If I Fell In Love With You”. That song is a lot harder to sing than it sounds, and he did a great job.
  • David Cook – Eleanor Rigby was rushed and didn’t need to be rocked out — until the Chorus that is. The chorus was really good and kind of saved a why-did-he-do-it-this-way performance. Not bad.

Ennh:

  • Ramiele Malubay – In My Life is one of the greatest John Lennon songs ever. Boring rendition and the crazy cocktail dress and spectator pumps were distractingly dressy for such a low-key song.
  • Amanda Overmyer – This almost worked. It was a good song choice but Simon was right, it was hard to understand her. I think I only liked it because I want to like her and I already knew the song. If I hadn’t heard the song before that would’ve been a muddly mess.

Augh

  • Syesha Mercado – Murdered “Got to Get You Into My Life”. Horrible. Soulless. Off key.
  • David Hernandez – Hated the Ferris Bueller look. Hated the runs. Hated the cheeseball dancing around. Totally imagined him as a gay stripper. Sorry, dude. That was awful.
  • David Archuleta – I would not have thought he could do badly. His voice is so pure but he was 100% uncomfortable trying to do a jazzy rendition of “We Can Work It Out”. I’m glad he’ll be here for another week. I think he tried too hard not to be what Simon called “gloomy” but we would’ve loved to hear his angel voice on “Yesterday”.

God-Awful

  • Kristy Lee Cook yodele’d it up with a horrendous Kentucky Headhunters-esqe bluegrass-and-methamphetamine version of “Eight Days a Week”. To her credit, it was the first time she’s looked comfortable and her voice actually sounded good. But that was absolutely beyond words awful.

Week three – 3/4/2008 (The Eighties)

Uh… sorry. Too much work last week! Apologies for the slack off. We lost Luke Menard (no loss), Danny Noriega (that boy makes Barry Manilow look like Clint Eastwood), Kady… uh… Somebody-or-Other (oh, Kady Malloy, I love TiVo) and perky-but-too-hard-to-Google-you-anyway Asia’h Epperson.

Week two – 2/28/2008 (The Seventies)

Click here to see our recap of this week’s performances by the women.
Click here to see our recap of this week’s performances by the men.

David Archuleta can freaking singStandouts this week

Young’un David Archuleta risked a John Lennon and did an amazing job — especially for his age. And Carly Smithson for the women was the only female singer who showed up for 70’s week, apparently.Carly Smithson shines on week 2

Luke, feel the force of your suckiness, LukeFacing Elimination This Week – Boys

Luke Menard and Jason Yeager were probably this week’s weakest men. I bet they’re out.

Jason hangs his head in shame...

We predict Pebbles will leave this week!Facing Elimination This Week – Girls

Hard to pick. So many were so awful. But the Donkey household speculates that we’ll see no more of Ramiela and Kady after the round of voting.

A lackluster performance might be her death knell

Who Got Voted Off This Week (with Broken-hearted Pic Badness)

Jeez, good thing we’re not trying to make money in Vegas. We only had a 25% prediction rate this weedk. Here’s who ACTUALLY got their walking papers:

Jason Yeager voted off American Idol, bye skunky stripe man!Jason Yeager – Goodbye!

OMG It's pronounced Al-eggs-zan-DREH-uh!!  Alexandrea gets voted off American Idol!Alexandrea Lushington – Goodbye!

Poor Alaina Whitaker has to leave after singing a song from GreaseAlaina Whitaker – Goodbye!

Bye bye to bandana head - Robbie Carrico is voted off American IdolRobbie Carrico – Goodbye!

Week One – 2/21/2008 (The Sixties)

Click here to see our recap of this week’s performances by the women.
Click here to see our recap of this week’s performances by the men.

Tonight the remaining Idols performed a medley of 60’s songs – very lackluster. The show also showed the world premiere of Paula Abdul’s new video, produced by Randy Jackson. The combination of music, singing, dancing, and video production showed that Paula is still a pretty good choreographer……………………………..

We lost four Idols tonight, and quite frankly my only concern was that our three or four favorites remained and didn’t really care much about the rest. I mean, I feel for each one and their broken dreams, but hey, the show gave them publicity they would never have gotten before, which gives them a better chance of living their dreams.

One of our faves was actually in the bottom four for the women – Amanda Overmyer – but she was safe for the evening. The fact that she was in the bottom four women was surprising, but she made it to next week so whew!

As for the rest, here are tonight’s eliminated Idols:

Garrett Haley Goodbye American Idol 2008

Garrett Haley – Goodbye!

Amy Davis American Idol 2008 Goodbye

Amy Davis – Goodbye!

Joanne Borgella American Idol 2008 Goodbye

Joanne Borgella – Goodbye!

Colton Berry American Idol 2008 Goodbye

Colton Berry – Goodbye!

Well, I can’t complain about any of these eliminations, although we thought Joanne would go a lot farther in the competition, but she really sang poorly last night. The other three were just not good and their elimination seemed logical.

American Idol 2008: The Top Ten Girls Perform the Seventies

Posted on February 2nd, 2008 in American Idol by The Donkeys

Carly Smithson belts out HeartCarly Smithson

Very few people can sing Heart.  Carly Smithson is one of them.

We've heard some disastrous Heart covers before on Idol, so I was a little worried about anyone attempting it.  However, Carly really did a decent job — she didn't quite slay it, but it was definitely mortally wounded. 

This is what's great about Idol — when you hear this girl sing you think, how is it she doesn't have a freaking recording contract?!  Nice to know that after this season she probably will.

She is a fabulous singer.  I agree with Simon's assessment that she's absolutely the best of the women vocally, she now just needs to pick really perfect songs for her.  Crazy on You was a good choice but there are probably ones that would showcase here even more.

Blah Blah Blah SyeshaSyesha Mercado

Hunh. Me and "Mr" Jones.

Cool to take a song like this and change the gender around. And she did a decent job on it.

But I'm bored.  Yeah, she can sing and belt and has decent range and control.  And no originality.  And she has that actress' canniness of where the television camera is.  Call me old fashioned and even a bit cranky, but I don't want to feel like I'm getting manipulated.  I mean, I'm young enough that I grew up on MTv (back when it played videos) and I'm comfortable with the singer-singing-into-the-camera paradigm, but in American Idol I still want a little bit of the "omniscient impartial camera" feel like the contestant is actually there, in the auditorium, singing that song for the live audience and the judges, rather than just flashing sly looks and shiny lips to the camera.

Brooke White rocks the apricot top in honor of Carly Simon's You're So VainBrooke White

Not sure she knew the word 'Gavotte'…

Started off well — and a brave choice, singing Carly Simon's You're So Vain!  But she cannot rock the low notes, her voice just falls off the low end of the slide there.  And, it must be said, her guitar playing was distracting at the beginning… it overpowered the vocal and she didn't seem comfortable enough playing it.

Other than Brooke not being able to sing a good 22% of the song, it was a decent performance. Her voice during the soaring parts it was really quite lovely.  At the very end she had a little husky tone to her voice and it was a really nice treat.  But overall I would have to give it a grade C.

Well, one other thought: now that I know from Hollywood week that she's never seen a Rated R movie, I am thinking she probably doesn't have the life experience to sing that song.  But it didn't feel robotic… at least during the parts where she could hit the notes.

And the hair sweeps on... Ramiele does her take on Donna SummerRamiele Malubay

She left us that way. 

What is up with the wacky sideswept hair?  It's distracting.  Get that damn hair out of your eyes!

Oh wait, she's singing.  At least she sounds like she might start singing soon. So far it's just preparatory noises, the song is going nowhere.

Ok, now she's singing.  Well, she's kind of repeating the same 12 notes.  Donna Summer songs (Don't Leave me this Way in this case) are generally great club jams with awesome baselines, but it wasn't much of a vehicle to show up the vocal talents of anybody.  I mean, she did a decent job of it but there wasn't a good hook or verse to really hold onto and get taken for a ride.  Know what I mean??  So in the end, she just kinda left us there.

Kristy Lee Cook Squats and Sings Linda RonstadtKristy Lee Cook

Honey, you need to take some standin' lessons

Ok, I am all about the outdoorsy girl, horsewoman, athletic thing, it's all cool.  But honey, you're right, you cannot walk in heels.  For that matter, you cannot walk in pants.  Because you walk and stand like a man.  It is REALLY distracting.  Start wearing pencil skirts or practicing with your freaking knees bungeed together.  Anything.  Your voice was startlingly good during the start of You're no Good by the amazing Linda Ronstadt, but then I couldn't hear any longer because I was in shock at your singing posture.

Literally, it's like my ears quit working when you started the pose Engineerboy always refers to as "The Squat 'n Sing". 

Ok.  I'm going to try and finish listening to the rest of the song.  I may have to look away to be able to write an actual vocal review.

The vocals were actually decent, this is the first time I think we've actually heard her voice.  She was clearly comfortable with the song and it showed.  But I cannot watch that strange forward squat.

Those are some chaps, girl!  Amanda Overmyer

Amanda rocks the chaps and sings her some Kansas 

I really wanted to like this performance.  But I'll quote Engineerboy here: "This is one of the lamest songs ever.  Classic rock my ass.  Classic tripe!"  And I'll have to agree with him.

And I love Amanda.  I love that she's consistent; she's her own woman with her own style — both vocally and sartorially.  I love the heck out of her.

But I couldn't quite get into this groove on this pitch-fest… she flat-out could not quite hit those low notes and I'm realizing the husky quality to her voice might actually be a cigarette smoker's death-rattle.  (One HOPES not since she's a nurse but I know several otherwise intelligent people who still suck on those disgusting things).  She rocked the fast parts and the strong note at the end was cool, but… overall it was a bit of a flop.

But that was a cool outfit (special points to Engineerboy for seeing her hairstyle and asking… "Is that Aslan up there??") and I hope she sticks around to wow us again.  I like her.  She should go the Daughtry route and front a band; she'd do really well in that role. 

Let's yodel us some Olivia Newton JohnAlaina Whitaker

'Is someone taking the anal temperature of a cat?!'

So now know you know Engineerboy's opinion.

For me, I liked this about 1000% better than I thought I would.  I mean, I still have a part of me that secretly likes the movie Grease (don't tell Engineerboy) but this is a really corny and stuuuuupid song.  But she allllmost rocked it.  There were flashes of real actual singing in that warble-fest.  But this was one lame song.

 

 

 

Alexandrea sings ChicagoAlexandrea Lushington

Alexandrea slaps some boots on her workout outfit and rushes over to sing on Idol
-or-
We finally realize Alexandrea is an alien as she steps through her 'star portal' onto the Idol stage.

Hahahaha, Alexandrea has probably never heard Butters sing this song on South Park when he's trapped in the bomb shelter.  Butters does a better version.

Never pick a song with oo-oo-OOO as the opening to the chorus.  She did a workmanlike job with the vocals but it was overall a sloppy mess.  She sounded nasal and unsure of herself and the song was boring, unoriginal and not one freaking bit current.  Feh, I hope I forget it in the next five minutes.

Oh and BOO HOO on calling herself "the underdog" in the competition.  Wyyyannhhh.

Kady Malloy, some dress with a bunch of weird stones on it, and one crappy rendition of a Heart songKady Malloy

Modeling Flinstones couture, Kady murders a Heart song.
-or-
A vortex spontaneously appears behind Kady to suck her back to her universe where that performance would have been in tune.

Tough with Carly, who's probably the best female vocalist they have, already having rocked a Heart song.  There is no way this crazy overly-tanned (even for Houston) chippie is gonna pull off the low growl required for Heart's Magic Man.  It was AN OUT OF TUNE MESS.

Horrible!!

I can't think of bad enough words to encapsulate how out of tune she was on everything other than the chorus.  Oh, and she basically sucked on the chorus too.

I will say I will be amazed if she's still around after tomorrow's vote-off.

Augh!  Ears are bleeding!Asia'h Epperson

She's gonna be all by herself, alright.

That was awful.  Did her mic cut out or did she just completely fail on that first note? 

Horrible.  This song is one-hundred-percent a singer's song.  And she just couldn't sing it.  It was a risk and she crashed and burned, I'm sorry to say.

Randy and Paula liked it (I can't understand that) but at least Simon agreed with the CleverDonkey household — she couldn't handle that song one bit.

"sthnbsb"

Posted on August 8th, 2006 in Engineerboy,Mynagirl by The Donkeys

An involuntary gavotte gave you the willies?

–Engineerboy, after he asked me if I “gavotted” today when I commented that I wore an apricot scarf, and then I had an unrelated “body shiver” because I was cold

Giant ropey strands of chocolate vomit

–Mynagirl, describing what expected would end up on the bed after our dogs ate cocoa and then the vet had us give them peroxide to make them throw up.

Hey, when two guys are standing next to each other with matching white rags in their butt pockets, I tend to notice, generally.

–Engineerboy, commenting in chat that he had indeed seen the two workers seemingly taking a coffe break on the roof of the Masonic temple next door.

Hey, if you put pajamas on him, I’ve seen him twice today.

–Engineerboy, after we saw our third weirdo walking around on the sidewalks of Houston (the first two were wearing loungewear).

The Ten Albums on the Jukebox if I Were Marooned on a Deserted Island

Posted on February 1st, 2005 in Music by The Donkeys

Police, Synchronicity

Eagles, Greatest Hits Volume I

Garbage, 2.0

Nine Inch Nails, Pretty Hate Machine

Stevie Wonder, Songs in the Key of Life

Prince, Purple Rain

Phoenicia Deli – Highest Recommendation

Posted on July 5th, 2003 in Houston,Restaurant Reviews by The Donkeys

Phoenicia Deli
12116 Westheimer Rd
Houston, TX
(281) 558-0416

The Phoenicia Deli, located out on the west side on Westheimer between Kirkwood and Dairy Ashford, has

some of the best food we have ever eaten. I’m specifically talking about the

Chicken Shawarma. For the uninitiated, a Chicken Shawarma starts out with many chicken breasts, rubbed in various heavenly spices, then piled up and slow roasted on a turning spit. The outer crispy parts of the chicken breasts are then shaved off, so every bite of chicken is crispy and wonderful. These bits of chicken-y goodness are then wrapped in a large homemade flatbread with this AMAZING garlic sauce. The sauce (we originally mis-indentified it as mayonnaise, and that’s the texture that it has) is actually (based on some research) some sort of heavenly marriage of garlic and olive oil. It is POTENT and oh-so-good.

The deli serves the chicken shawarma with tomatoes and potatoes (the potatoes are kept under the spit of chicken, absorbing all the wonderful juices), but we ALWAYS order it “sauce only” — (no tomatoes or potatoes). It is simply heaven on earth, I can’t even get across how wonderful this food is!!
Phoenicia’s prices are reasonable (about $20 for a lunch for two), they also offer hard-to-find middle eastern and armenian food items in their deli section toward the back of the shop, and the newly-redecorated decor is quite inviting. The staff is pretty friendly (we see the same folks there most of the time we go).

The hours are a bit limiting; they close at 7 on Saturdays, I believe, and they’re closed on Sundays. But it’s worth it — we’ll plan entire weekends around being able to get to Phoenicia on a Saturday for Shawormas. Give them a try!!