An Open Letter to Palm, Inc.

Posted on June 1st, 2003 in Product Reviews,Technology by EngineerBoy

Way back in the dark ages, I bought my first Palm device – the PalmPilot Pro. It immediately became as indispensable to me as my cell phone, as it enabled me to view, edit, change, and delete calendar appointments, contacts, and tasks while I was out and about, and then synchronize them when I got back to my computer. I used the heck out of it until I lost it, and immediately bought a replacement (used, same make/model) for about 25% of what I originally paid. I used the replacement for several years, then lost it, too. Palm had just announced the forthcoming Palm V, so I waited a couple of months for it to be released before purchasing it.

The Palm V was sleek and small, with a stylish metallic case, sharper graphics, and more memory. I once again used the heck out of it for a couple of years, and then (as you may have guessed, given the pattern so far) eventually lost it. I very badly wanted to replace it immediately, but rumors had begun circulating about a new wireless Palm (the i705, not the Sputnik-sized Palm VII), so I vowed to wait until the release of the new model before making my purchasing decision.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. For almost a year. Palm-less, writing things on sticky-notes, having to *remember* commitments and tasks. It was not fun. Finally Palm announced the upcoming i705. It looked pretty good, bigger than the Palm V, but smaller than the Palm VII, which seemed about right. Integrated, internal antennae, as opposed to the Palm VII’s flip-out, plastic, auto-breaking one. So I weighed my options, between the new color Palms and the wireless, non-color i705, and finally decided that the convenience of wireless won out. I placed my advance order and got my i705 the day after it was released.

It was love at first sight, let me tell you. I activated the wireless service, synched up my information, took it out for a test spin, got my first pro-active, wireless email notification and knew I could never go back to non-wireless. *This* is what a PDA was supposed to do. And I used the heck out of it. *And* we got one for my wife.

And then I began to notice some little, nagging problems. I had to recalibrate my screen every couple of days, because the place I would touch on the screen would be translated by the device to a place near where I touched, but not exactly. And over time it would drift further askew, until it was impossible to do anything. But, recalibration was a 30 second chore, so I figured I could live with it. Also, the gray case was just painted plastic, not metal, and the paint started to flake off almost immediately. This made the device look old and cheap. Eventually the case cracked, right along the edge of the media card slot, which Palm had illogically place directly behind the power button, so that the card slot was compressed every time the device was powered on or off.

Eventually the warranty expired, and the screen was so bad that I was having to recalibrate several times a day. I don’t think I recalibrated all my previous Palms, in total, more than 10 times. But the wireless convenience still made it worth it.

But then things started to go sour for Palm, from my perspective. Out of the blue I got a Certified letter from Palm telling me that they were changing the pricing of the wireless service and eliminating the Unlimited plan, to which I had been subscribing since I activated. Instead all usage would be metered, and Palm was nice enough to calculate what my bill would probably be, based on my previous usage. It would have effectively tripled my monthly charges. Also, they were giving me only one month’s notice.

Now, I’m a businessman, and I understand that things change, and that Palm really has the right to do whatever they need to do keep their business afloat. I didn’t appreciate these changes, as they were inconvenient to me, personally, but I understood that it was just business. Also, I received a letter from Palm saying that all Palm i705 users would be getting a nice, steep discount on the upcoming new wireless Palm, the Tungsten W. This sounded like a nice piece of customer maintenance news, and I was mildly hopeful.

Still, I couldn’t justify continuing my Palm wireless service at the new rates, so I called Palm to explore options. The customer representative could not have cared less about my previous purchases of 4 new (and registered!) Palms, my years as a loyal Palm customer, or my desire to remain a paying Palm customer. There was simply nothing that could be done. I said that left me no choice but to cancel my wireless service. His response was interesting, in that it did not include *any* of the normal ploys used by companies to keep their paying customers. What he did was very quickly and helpfully assisted me in performing the cancellation within about a minute. No attempt to talk me out of it. No attempt at an up-sell. No attempt to address my concerns. No transferring me to some other department for the cancellation, hoping I would hang up. Nothing but a quick, clean cancellation of a recurring, subscription revenue customer. Actually, *two* paying customers, since we also cancelled my wife’s service. Unheard of.

And then it dawned on me…they *wanted* people to cancel. That’s the reason the entire episode was handled so poorly…they were actually trying to get rid of their i705 customers. A little research showed that the probable cause was that Palm’s contract with their wireless service provider had expired, and the new agreement was pricier and didn’t allow Palm the flexibility to offer an unlimited usage plan. Also, their new wireless Palm (Tungsten W) used a completely different wireless network, so their incentive to add people to the old network was very small, and their incentive to get people off of it was very large.

Okay, so they were dealing with a very sticky issue. They sure seemed to handle it poorly, but the promise of a steep discount on the Tungsten W soothed my crotchety-ness. However, when the supposed “discount” arrived, it was nothing more than reduction of up-front cost if you chose a more expensive wireless plan. Either way Palm would get your money, it just might take 12 months or so. Also, this great “discount” was being offered to anyone, not just i705 owners. So much for doing right by their i705 customers.

If I might speculate a bit, I think a better explanation may be that Palm rushed the i705 to market in order to try to head off the tidal wave of BlackBerry and other related devices. This explanation perfectly fits the facts, in that the unit was cheaply made, it plugged into the Palm.net network, the prices fell quickly and dramatically after release, and Palm very quickly abandoned the platform with virtually no hesitation about alienating the i705’s user base. It feels, to me, that Palm designed this product as a stopgap, and their only real purpose was to delay people from purchasing competitor’s products until they could get their *real* product (Tungsten W) out the door. Time will tell if this was an intelligent strategy for Palm.

And so now I use my crappy, cheap looking, plastic, cracked, jittery-screened i705 without wireless service. Palm gets nothing from me, and they won’t get anything from me in the future, as I’ve bought my last Palm product. Once this one fails or gets lost, I’m getting something else. Palm had every opportunity to do right by their i705 owners, to admit the product was poorly conceived, to admit they got screwed on their wireless contract renegotiation, to offer a *real* discount to get us to their new, preferred platform. To prove they valued us as customers.

They didn’t. That is their choice, and I’m sure it was hard for them, but oh well. After a decade as a happy Palm owner, they lost me. Me, who loved their products, sang the praises of their devices, convinced dozens of customers (and thus thousands of end users) to purchase Palm products, and gave their products as gifts. All that goodwill and all those real dollars, thrown away. How’s that business plan working out for you, Palm?

Ming’s Cafe – very ordinary

Posted on June 1st, 2003 in Houston,Restaurant Reviews by EngineerBoy

Ming’s Cafe
2703 Montrose Blvd, Houston, TX 77006
Phone: (713) 529-7888

We stopped by this kitschy little joint for dinner on the way home from work today. The atmosphere was Montrose-quirky, the menu was surprisingly deep for such a small place, and the fried dumpling appetizers were quite delish. However, our main dishes were extraordinarily ordinary. We may give them another try, as it wasn’t horrible, but with the huge selection of very good Chinese food in Houston, why?

28 Days Later (***½)

Posted on June 1st, 2003 in Movie Reviews by EngineerBoy

******************** This Review May Contain Spoilers ********************
This is an intelligent, hardcore thrill ride of a movie. It’s part social  commentary and part philosophical exploration of the innate nature of humanity,  wrapped up and presented to the audience in the guise of an extraordinarily  well-done horror film. Actually, “horror” may be a mis-characterization of the  movie, depending on your definition. Suffice it to say that while nothing  supernatural happens, many horrible things do, so see it and decide the  semantics for yourself. I was pleasantly surprised to find a refreshing lack of preachiness or  over-explanation of the apocalyptic-ish events in this film. In fact, the events  are presented with almost no explanation, and the viewer is left to interpret  things based on what they (and the characters) experience. Also, the movie does  not resort to any sort of trickery, misdirection, or intentional ambiguity  designed to deceive the viewer, and instead tells a most extraordinary tale in a  most direct and unembellished fashion, as if a documentary film crew had  followed our protagonists during their adventure. 
******************** Okay, Definite Spoilers Here ******************** The movie starts at a primate testing lab, where some well-intentioned activists  have set out to free some chimpanzees that are being used for experiments.  Before they can open the cages, a hapless lab assistant stumbles upon them and  pleads with them not to release the chimps because they are infected with a  virus called “Rage”. They ignore him, open the first cage, are viciously  attacked by the chimp, and then the story jumps to 28 days later (hence the  title).  We now meet Jim, who is just waking up from a 4 week coma in a London hospital.  There are no doctors or nurses around, and Jim eventually wanders out of the  hospital and into the empty streets of London.
What has happened is that nearly  everyone in the city has either left, died, or become one of the “Infected”. The  Infected have the Rage virus, which gives them a sensitivity to light (so they  mostly come out at night), removes any semblance of humanity or abstract  thought, and seems to fill them with no instinct or feeling other than to spread  the Rage virus to any and all non-infected humans they can find. This transfer  is made via the blood, so you can imagine the carnage. Once the virus has been  transferred to a person, they transmogrify into one of the Infected within 10-20  seconds. 
As we follow Jim through the story, he meets up with a few non-infected humans,  some who live, some who die, and some who are more monstrous than the Infected.  Jim and his companions are on a quest – to stay alive, to keep from becoming  infected (because if you do your companions will instantly terminate you with  extreme prejudice, not to mention extreme haste), and to figure out what the  hell to do next. Our characters don’t really *know* anything. They don’t know  how long the Infected “live”. They don’t know the origins of the virus. They  don’t even know what’s going on in the rest of the UK, much less the rest of the  world, but before all the media stopped broadcasting they reported that Rage had  spread to Paris and New York. They do know that the Infected are still mortal, and can be killed just like any  other human. And once dead they stay dead, so we don’t have to deal with the  ultimate director’s cheap shot of the undead rising from their undeadness at the  most inconvenient times. In fact, one of the great strengths of this movie is that while the premise is  extreme and (one hopes) unthinkable, it *is* highly logical. The film lays out  the basic groundrules, and then extrapolates them in ways that are surprising  but still plausible and logical within those groundrules.
This makes the movie  almost feel more like hard science fiction than horror. Another strength of the  movie is that all of our characters seem like astonishingly normal people placed  into an unimaginably horrific situation. Our band can be plucky and determined,  ruthless and intelligent, unselfish and supportive, but none are mythically  heroic or larger than life. The story, however, speaks to some very large philosophical issues. For example,  the conflict of good vs. evil in this film is not uninfected vs. Infected, but  uninfected vs. uninfected. Yes, the Infected are key to the story, but while  they are dangerous and scary, they are not evil, as they have no intent. They  are simply carriers of a virus, and that virus turns them into the necessary  delivery mechanism. But that’s what the Infected are, a survival mechanism of an  unthinking virus. And while they wreak havoc, they are no more evil than a burr  that sticks to your clothes in hopes of spreading clover to a new plot of land  somewhere. In the end we find that while our cast of characters have determined that what  they have to do next is to preserve and restart the human race, they certainly  have some different ideas on how to go about it. As a viewing experience, this movie grabbed hold of me from the opening scene  and didn’t let go until the end. In fact, on the drive home from the theater 
Marie asked me what I was going to say in my review, and I told her that I  really had no clue, as I hadn’t once stopped to make any critical mental notes.  I was completely swept up in the story, which is very rare for me.  In fact, I didn’t even have any popcorn during the movie, which might be a first  for me, as popcorn is one of my favorite snacks. The theater complex was crowded  and our sneak preview theater was jam-packed, so I was going to wait until the  movie started then try to sneak out to the snack bar when it was less crowded.  But I didn’t. Just as a frame of reference, I’ve actually walked out of films  (and gotten a refund) when I found the snack bar didn’t have any “butter” for  the popcorn, so me not leaving the theater to get some says a whole lot about  how riveting this film was for me. Also, our sneak preview theater was filled with teenagers (despite the “R”  rating), and it appears that this film is being targeted to that demographic.  However, this film is not some campy “I Know The Wrong Turn You Screamed Last  Friday the 13th”, even if that’s how it’s being marketed. So don’t judge this  one by the marketing or the youthfulness of the patrons, as there are layers  that can be appreciated by thoughtful viewers of all ages.

The Italian Job (***)

Posted on June 1st, 2003 in Movie Reviews by EngineerBoy

We saw The Italian Job last night, and it was a very enjoyable movie-going experience. I went in with lowwwww expectations, as the previews seemed to depict a movie that was The Fast and the Furious meets The Truth About Charlie, with a dash of Cooper Mini autos added for that “Do the Dew” cred. In other words, really not my cup of tea.

However, the movie was much better than I expected. Yes, the story is fairly predictable, but the action sequences are well-done, and there are some genuinely funny parts. There is also a wonderfully refreshing lack of forehead-slapping stupidity and triteness. That may sound like damning with faint praise, but the truth is that so many of the movies being made today are just slipshod repitition of ideas from other currently popular films. This one is different because it isn’t slipshod, and it has just enough originality to stand on its own merits.

If you’re looking for an entertaining, summer action flick check out The Italian Job.

Cafe Red Onion – Highly Recommended

Posted on May 3rd, 2003 in Houston,Restaurant Reviews by EngineerBoy

Three Houston locations:

3910 Kirby Dr, Houston, TX 77098
(713) 807-1161

12440 Northwest Fwy, Houston, TX 77092
(713) 957-0957

1111 Eldridge Pkwy # 100, Houston, TX 77077
(281) 293-7500

http://www.caferedonion.com

We eat here a couple of times a month, and are constantly amazed at the combination of great food, good prices, pleasant ambiance, and excellent service. The menu has a Latin (Mexican-Honduran, actually) American theme, but the dishes are all sort of non-traditional and Americanized (in a good way). I am not a fan of food that is fancy and/or complicated solely for the sake of being fancy and/or complicated. The food here is neither overly fancy, complicated, nor trendy, but it *is* interesting, unexpected, and delicious.

For example, both of us have the same favorite dish here, which is Mayan Chicken. The chicken is a boneless breast that is coated in tortilla crumbs then fried, and is served over queso with black beans (I get the rice instead), fried plantains, and mango salsa. At around $10, this is one amazingly delicious bargain.

In fact, you can eat at Red Onion for around the same cost as a generic Chilis/Bennigans/TGIFridays, but you get food that is orders-of-magnitude more interesting, well-prepared, and delicious. The ambiance is nice, friendly, and casual. My one trivial complaint is that when the place is hopping (as it usually is at mealtimes) it can get a little clattery, noise-wise, and the tables are just a touch too close together for my tastes. That’s really just nit-picking, however, as the food, prices, and service *more* than make up for any cosmetic blemishes.

Do yourself a favor and check out Red Onion. Tell them that the guy who always eats three bowls of pineapple salsa sent you.

Bibas (One’s a Meal) – Highly Recommended

Posted on May 2nd, 2003 in Houston,Restaurant Reviews by EngineerBoy

607 W Gray St, Houston, TX 77019

Phone: (713) 523-8432

First of all, I do not know the meaning(s) of the name(s) of this restaurant. Second of all, what I do know is that they have really good food at really good prices. The menu is typical Greek diner, and includes everything from gyros to calzones to pizza to hamburgers. My personal favorite meal starts with the tzatziki appetizer (served with delicious crunchy breadsticks for dipping) followed by the cheeseburger and fries.

Most of the times we’ve been there we’ve been waited on by John, the owner/waiter/resident comedian. If he waits your table be ready for repartee, wisecracks, asides, innuendos, and great service. The other waitstaff have all been very friendly and efficient, and the patrons are usually laid-back regulars. There’s ample outdoor seating, and inside are some huge, 6-person booths.

And if that’s not enough, it’s open 24 hours a day. Do yourself a favor and visit this deservedly legendary Houston institution.

The Matrix Reloaded (**)

Posted on May 1st, 2003 in Movie Reviews by EngineerBoy

We just got back from seeing The Matrix Reloaded. It was exactly what I expected, which was all the lamest elements of the first one, magnified. To put this review in context, I was singularly unimpressed by the first Matrix movie. The effects were certainly interesting, and some elements of the story were mildly non-stupid. But the movie, as a whole, didn’t do much for me. But you could see the budget on the screen, and there’s a certain amount of entertainment value in that. The same is true with Matrix 2. There’s more (much more, numbingly more) fantasy fighting and other various effects. The cast members seem to understand that they don’t need to “act” in this movie, only pose, posture, and pontificate pretentiously.

The movie takes place in two “places”. The first place is the matrix, which is a computer generated world into which most of humanity is plugged, where they assume the identity of themselves and interact the way we do, in a world that resembles our world. But in reality their physical bodies are kept sedated and are connected to some massive energy production/storage system, and the machines have created the computer world in order to give their minds something to do, so that the bodies stay healthier. The world of the matrix is policed by “agents”, which are programs that work for the machines and ensure that the denizens of the matrix keep doing things the way the machines want them done. I’m sure I’ve got some of that wrong, and I urge all of you who wish to correct my errors in Matrix mythology to feel free to just keep it to yourselves.

The second “place” is the real world (apparently) which is peopled by humans who have been awakened/freed from the matrix. In this installment there are 250,000 free humans, and they live in an undergound city called Zion. The city of Zion looks like it was conceived by a collaboration between the production designers of The Jetsons, The Flintstones, Mad Max, and Survivor: Spelunking. Also, apparently, in this reality there is no such thing as stainless steel, Comet, paint, or needles and thread, as everything is dull, dingy, rusted, and/or artfully frayed.

The plot of the film is…irrelevent, as far as I can tell. Something about robotic octopi digging down to destroy Zion, and Neo (Keanu Reeves) trying to get into a really secure computer room. I know that sounds dismissive, but the plot just isn’t the point of a movie like this. If it were, I probably wouldn’t have these questions:

  1. If machines are smart enough to take over the world, then why aren’t they smart enough to know there are far more efficient ways to store energy than in the horribly inefficient bodies of humans?
  2. How did the guy who is the commander of the human defense forces get to be in charge if he’s such an ineffectual, whiney loser?
  3. Humans can’t find a better way to zip into and out of the matrix than the telephone?
  4. Why is it that whenever our plucky band of humans enters the matrix, they all wear sunglasses and choose to dress like rejects from Who Wants To Be an Art-Rock Star?
  5. If Neo can fly at will, why does he spend so much time standing and fighting when what he really needs to do is get going?
  6. Can…Laurence….Fishburne…..speak……any……..more…………ponderously?
  7. Why do the humans/avatars/agents/programs insist on having so many fights, when, with the exception of one bullet (out of thousands) and one minor flesh wound no one in this movie seems to be able to inflict the slightest damage on anyone else?
  8. During the striving-to-be-deep-but-laughably-shallow attempts at intellectualism, morality, and mysticism, did anyone else keep waiting for Neo to say, “Philosophize with him, dude!”.

But seeing the Matrix 2 was not a complete waste of time. For instance, it’s nice to see Edgar and Johnny Winter getting some work. Also, when my attention wandered during the movie, it was fun thinking up alternate, more accurate titles for the film, like:

The Matrix Regurgitated
The Matrix Rebloated
The Matrix Reloathed
The Matrix Real Odious

Now, I know there are those who will love this film, and who loved the first one, and more power to you. There are also those that will point out the impressive box-office numbers as an indicator of the popularity of this movie. I’ll be the first to say that this movie is very popular. After reading the paragraphs above you might conclude that I was disappointed by the movie, but I wasn’t. It was exactly what I expected, which was an overblown, campy film that is a fun shared cultural experience. But impressive numbers at the box office and popular popularity do not a great film make. Take a look at this list of movies and see if you can figure out what they have in common:

Home Alone 2
Twister
Mrs. Doubtfire
The Mummy Returns
Planet of the Apes (the *new* one)
Three Men and a Baby
What Lies Beneath

They all have at least two things in common. First, they are all in the list of top 100 grossing films of all time. And secondly, they all outgrossed little films such as the Godfather, Schindler’s List, Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and Alien, among many other widely acknowledged classics. We all know that Matrix 2 will soon outgross these classics as well. And I don’t begrudge this film its due. It *should* make money, not because it’s a good film, but because it is an *event*. And that just about sums it up…this movie sucks, and I recommend that you go see it.

Shanghai River Restaurant – Highly Recommended

Posted on April 6th, 2003 in Houston,Restaurant Reviews by EngineerBoy

Shanghai River Restaurant
(713) 528-5528
2407 Westheimer, 2 blocks east of Kirby

http://www.shanghairiverrestaurant.com

Houston has an overwhelming selection of Chinese restaurants, and many of them are good. A few of them are excellent, and Shanghai River is one of them. From the outside, this restaurant is the unassuming-looking inhabitant of one end of a standard strip center. But once you get inside, you find that the decor is sumptuous and well-maintained, the tables have white tablecloths and cloth napkins, the service borders on perfect, and the food is excellent.

Try the mu shu pork appetizer and the honey walnuts…both fabulous. We recently had the wonton soup, shrimp with asparagus, Four Delicacies (scallops, shrimp, beef, chicken with chili peppers and peanuts), and shrimp and chicken with cashews, and all of the dishes were virtually perfect. Also, for the quality of the food and the ambiance, the prices are right in line.

Phone Booth (***)

Posted on April 5th, 2003 in Movie Reviews by EngineerBoy

First, let me put those stars in context. From what I know about him from his public persona (which, granted, may not be entirely accurate), I do not like Colin Farrell. If you care to judge for yourself, check out these news stories about him on IMDB:

 

http://us.imdb.com/NNews?Farrell,%20Colin%20(I)

 

To sum up my disdain, he recently split with his wife, he also has a pregnant girlfriend, and he’s currently stepping out with a steady stream of new ladies, and sums this all up by saying:

 

“I’ve been in love three times and that’s enough for a 26-year-old. It really is. So, literally, I come into town and bang whoever I can – but I’m not mean and egotistical about it.” – Colin Farrell

 

Reportedly, he also is known to regularly frequent Scores, the famous New York strip club, and spend hours in private rooms with multiple dancers. He is, by all appearances, a sad and pathetic bad-boy Hollywood lothario.

 

But Colin Farrell fits into a very thinly populated category for me. And that category is the cross-section of “Celebrities I Find Repugnant” and “People Whose Work I Respect”. Both of those categories are small for me. Oh sure, there are a lot of celebrities I don’t necessarily care for, but there are only a few that are actually revolting. Also, there are a lot of artists whose work I enjoy and admire, but only a very few that I respect (artistically).

 

And then there is the category of Repugnant Artistes. That is one thin category. Colin Farrell joins the likes of Woody Allen, Eminem, Roman Polanski, the Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, and Russell Crowe. Can you picture that dinner party? Oy.

 

But what does all this have to do with the review of “Phone Booth”? I presented all of the above information so you could put those 3 stars in perspective, because I’m sure the movie lost at least a half a star because of it.

 

******************** SPOILERS AHEAD ********************

 

I mean, Colin Farrell is in virtually every, single scene of this movie. And several times during the movie I was taken out of the story by the discordance of seeing someone I had no respect for doing such great work. But, in the end, I have to say that Colin Farrell did a fantastic job. So did Forest Whitaker as the logical cop, and Kiefer Sutherland as the mysterious, unnamed caller.

 

For those unfamiliar, the story revolves around Colin Farrell’s character (Stu), a sleazy publicist, who gets trapped in a phone booth in dowtown Manhattan by a vengeful/liberating sniper. Other than the first 5-10 minutes, the entire movie takes place on location with Stu in the phone booth, the cops outside, and the sniper unseen. It’s very tense, gripping stuff, and the writing, acting, directing, and photography are all top-notch.

Play That Funky Music

Posted on April 5th, 2003 in Music by EngineerBoy

(Note: The songs in this rant have hotlinks to pages at music sales sites (Amazon, Barnes & Nobles) that have audio samples. This does not imply endorsement of these external sites or their products, but are presented simply as a convenience for you, the reader.)

I adolesced in the ’70s, in a small, coastal Texas town. My available music selections were country (ubiquitous), rock (one fuzzy, whiny AM station from Houston), pop (2 hours a day on the local station, one station out of Victoria), and whatever records or 8-tracks I could afford to buy (or borrow from my sister). And unlike many of my peers, music was not central to my teenage years. I mean, there was music that I liked, but I didn’t live/breathe music, or worship any bands, or scrimp and save to get the money to buy tickets for concerts in far-off, exotic places like Corpus Christi and San Antonio. I listened to some music, did a little country dancing, and that was about it.

Then I went off to college, at the University of Houston. College being college, many things changed for me, including my musical tastes and perspectives. For instance, I finally matured to the point where I began to get a glimmer of an understanding of the greatness of the Beatles. I realized that I wasn’t angst-y or disaffected enough to relate to punk rock. I heard the first twangs of the nascent new-country sound, and found it repugnant. I also started getting very tired of hearing ever-more-generic disco songs.

And I also discovered something else. I found that there were some core songs and groups, labeled as disco by most, that I not only never grew tired of, but that I grew to like more and more. And as I explored this predilection, I found that while disco was the colorful, thin, wispy candy shell, the chocolate inside was nasty, groovy funk.

That Was An Epiphany
It all started one evening during my first year of college. I was in the University Center (UC, sort of a student center), and I could hear the thump-thump-thump of music being played loudly in one of the large conference halls. The beat and sound were very appealing to me, so I wandered over and found that one of the local fraternities was having a fundraising dance. I paid my $2 and went inside and found that I was the only Caucasian in the place, as far as I could see (and, being 6’5″, I could see pretty far). The dance was being put on by the Omega Psi Phi fraternity, which is a primarily African American fraternity. You may know them as the fraternity that brands (or branded, I don’t know if they still do it) their pledges on the shoulder with the Greek letter Omega.

Needless to say, I felt pretty out-of-place. I mean, I was a tall, white, 17 year old country boy come to the big city, so this was a very new experience for me, to say the least. However, my little hometown was peacefully racially diverse, and my mom had instilled in me an open mind and tolerance for others, plus the music was really grabbing at me, so I didn’t turn around and walk out. Instead I grabbed a coke, mingled, and tried to ignore the stares, which ranged from covert glances to open challenges. It was such a freaky scene.

To this point in my life my dancing experience consisted of country dancing, and then doing some boot-shuffling to the pop/disco songs that the country joints would play between blocks of country. So at the Omega dance I was resigned to being a wallflower. But I did notice some things…first of all, I wasn’t familiar with most of the songs being played, but I liked them. I wasn’t hearing anything from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, for example. Nobody was wearing a white leisure suit. Nobody was mimicking Travolta’s choreographed “disco” moves. Nobody was doing the Hustle.

But everyone was sure having a good time. I found myself moving to the beat, almost involuntarily. It was like an awakening. And I wanted to dance. But I felt out of place and out of my league, like a bottle of Ripple in a fine wine cellar. But I couldn’t bring myself to leave, so I stayed and struggled with myself to either get up the courage to dance, or to finally give up and leave.

And then I heard the opening guitar riff of a song that I knew. Knew and loved. And the crowd recognized it, too, and started flooding onto the dance floor.

It was a sign.

It was Play That Funky Music, by Wild Cherry.

It was an epiphany. I spotted the nearest likely candidate and asked her if she’d like dance, and she did, so we did. And I ended up dancing the night away, and having the time of my young life. Over the course of the evening I discovered my dancing muse, and found my voice (so to speak). And that muse was funk.

I Can’t Define Funk, But I Know It When I Hear It
Now, I’m no musicologist…in fact, I can’t even play an instrument…but I’m going to try and define funk for you. Funk has a nasty, relentless, hypnotic rhythm. Most funk songs are not very complex, lyrically, but they are dense, musically. There are exceptions, like Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin) by Sly and the Family Stone, which has a simple guitar hook, a few horns, and a lot of funk. And then there’s You Haven’t Done Nothin’ by Stevie Wonder, which is both musically dense and lyrically powerful. In fact, if you want to want a crash course in funk, listen to these three songs, all by Stevie Wonder:

Maybe Your Baby
I Wish
You Haven’t Done Nothin’

If all you know about Stevie is his later work (like Ebony and Ivory), these three songs will be eye-openers (as well as leg-twitchers, if you have any funk in your soul). But if you listen to those three Stevie songs, you will know the definition of funk. If those three songs don’t move you, or they sound like “disco” to you, then you should probably resign yourself to being a funk philistine, and stop reading. (The links are just to samples on various music sites, so for the full effect I suggest you legally acquire copies of these songs to which to listen.)

I could write a whole separate rant (and probably will someday) on Stevie Wonder, whom I consider to be a certain genius, a probable brother from another planet, and even a possible time traveler.

Everybody Move
The three Stevie songs above, although 200 proof funk, are just the tip of the iceberg. Here, according to this ranter, are some of the rest of the funkiest songs out there:

Foundational Funk
The Payback (James Brown)
Pappa’s Got a Brand New Bag (James Brown)

Body Movers
Jungle Boogie (Kool & the Gang)
Burn Rubber (The Gap Band)
Brick House (The Commodores)
Love Rollercoaster (The Ohio Players)
Too Hot to Stop (Bar-Kays)

Meat and Potatoes
It’s Your Thing (The Isley Brothers)
Let It Whip (The Dazz Band)
Fire (The Ohio Players)
Flash Light (Parliament)
Dazz (Brick)
Fight the Power (The Isley Brothers)
Atomic Dog (George Clinton)

Slow Grooves
Strawberry Letter 23 (The Brothers Johnson)
Use Me (Bill Withers)
Got To Give It Up, Part 1 (Marvin Gaye)
Groove Me (King Floyd)

Instrumentals
Rockit (Herbie Hancock)
Pick Up the Pieces (Average White Band)
Outa Space (Billy Preston)

Neo Funk
Give It Away (The Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Paul’s Boutique (most of the album, The Beastie Boys)

Give a listen to some or all of those songs, and you will “get” funk. If you find that it’s moving your body and making you want to dance, go out and find some of it, because the best way to experience funk is with your whole body. If you live around Houston, you may want to try The Mercury Room [editor’s note: this club has since gone out of business]. Some of their regular bands (like Soul Circus) lay down some slick, funky grooves. But remember, you can always just slip in the disk, crank up the volume, and jam right there in your car during rush hour. Funk is good for what ails you, no matter what it may be. Remember, it’s your thing, do what you wanna do.

« Previous Page — Next Page »