CleverDonkey.com …Musings, Commentary, Opinions, and Drivel

I haven't been this happy about the outcome of a football game in a long time.  The cheating New England Patriots *LOST* to the Giants in the Super Bowl.  They did *not* achieve their undefeated season.  They did *not* join the 1972 Miami Dolphins in perfection.  They lost, like all cheaters eventually do.

Belichick didn't even have enough class to stay on the field to see Eli Manning take the final knee.  This from the coach who ruthlessly ran up the score unnecessarily against opponent after opponent.  From the coach who cheated his way to victory, including rumors of filming the Rams walk-through before the 2002 Super Bowl, which the Pats "won" in an upset.  But could he stand there like a man and take the loss when it was him on the losing end?  No, he slunk off like a pouting teenager to go cry in his room.  Go cry, emo coach.  Classless to the bitter end.

And frankly, as that last second remained on the clock, as confusion reigned on the field, and as Belichick slunk off, my one thought was that he was trying to somehow create a technical issue with the end of the game so that he could file some kind of complaint with the NFL about the outcome.  Given his actions in the past that type of conniving seemed to fit his style.  But the refs cleared the field, got the Pats players to come back out and officially ended the game normally.  Ha!

Now it's time for the federal government to bring the hammer down on these cheaters.  For those who question why the US government is involved, the answer is that the NFL has been granted a special exemption from anti-trust laws and are allowed to operate as a virtual monopoly.  As such, the government reserves the right to ensure that the NFL is presenting pure, untainted sporting events.

So the NFL needs to break the back of these losers, including (in my opinion) a lifetime ban for Belichick and the GM.  They have tainted the sport with their flagrant, blatant, indefensible cheating.  And if the NFL doesn't act then Congress needs to step in and do the right thing.

Oh, and congratulations Giants on the great, great win.  Eli Manning enters legendary status with that final drive, and his scramble on the long pass to David Tyree was nothing short of miraculous.  And then the top-of-the-head catch by David Tyree was almost unbelievable even though I watched it with my own eyes.  He *wanted* that ball and went up and got it.

And in so doing drove a stake through the heart of the bloodsucking, evil-doing Patriots.  And, at least for today, all is right in the world of sports.

 

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Carly Smithson

Very few people can sing Heart.  Carly Smithson is one of them.

We've heard some disastrous Heart covers before on Idol, so I was a little worried about anyone attempting it.  However, Carly really did a decent job — she didn't quite slay it, but it was definitely mortally wounded. 

This is what's great about Idol — when you hear this girl sing you think, how is it she doesn't have a freaking recording contract?!  Nice to know that after this season she probably will.

She is a fabulous singer.  I agree with Simon's assessment that she's absolutely the best of the women vocally, she now just needs to pick really perfect songs for her.  Crazy on You was a good choice but there are probably ones that would showcase here even more.

Syesha Mercado

Hunh. Me and "Mr" Jones.

Cool to take a song like this and change the gender around. And she did a decent job on it.

But I'm bored.  Yeah, she can sing and belt and has decent range and control.  And no originality.  And she has that actress' canniness of where the television camera is.  Call me old fashioned and even a bit cranky, but I don't want to feel like I'm getting manipulated.  I mean, I'm young enough that I grew up on MTv (back when it played videos) and I'm comfortable with the singer-singing-into-the-camera paradigm, but in American Idol I still want a little bit of the "omniscient impartial camera" feel like the contestant is actually there, in the auditorium, singing that song for the live audience and the judges, rather than just flashing sly looks and shiny lips to the camera.

Brooke White

Not sure she knew the word 'Gavotte'…

Started off well — and a brave choice, singing Carly Simon's You're So Vain!  But she cannot rock the low notes, her voice just falls off the low end of the slide there.  And, it must be said, her guitar playing was distracting at the beginning… it overpowered the vocal and she didn't seem comfortable enough playing it.

Other than Brooke not being able to sing a good 22% of the song, it was a decent performance. Her voice during the soaring parts it was really quite lovely.  At the very end she had a little husky tone to her voice and it was a really nice treat.  But overall I would have to give it a grade C.

Well, one other thought: now that I know from Hollywood week that she's never seen a Rated R movie, I am thinking she probably doesn't have the life experience to sing that song.  But it didn't feel robotic… at least during the parts where she could hit the notes.

Ramiele Malubay

She left us that way. 

What is up with the wacky sideswept hair?  It's distracting.  Get that damn hair out of your eyes!

Oh wait, she's singing.  At least she sounds like she might start singing soon. So far it's just preparatory noises, the song is going nowhere.

Ok, now she's singing.  Well, she's kind of repeating the same 12 notes.  Donna Summer songs (Don't Leave me this Way in this case) are generally great club jams with awesome baselines, but it wasn't much of a vehicle to show up the vocal talents of anybody.  I mean, she did a decent job of it but there wasn't a good hook or verse to really hold onto and get taken for a ride.  Know what I mean??  So in the end, she just kinda left us there.

Kristy Lee Cook

Honey, you need to take some standin' lessons

Ok, I am all about the outdoorsy girl, horsewoman, athletic thing, it's all cool.  But honey, you're right, you cannot walk in heels.  For that matter, you cannot walk in pants.  Because you walk and stand like a man.  It is REALLY distracting.  Start wearing pencil skirts or practicing with your freaking knees bungeed together.  Anything.  Your voice was startlingly good during the start of You're no Good by the amazing Linda Ronstadt, but then I couldn't hear any longer because I was in shock at your singing posture.

Literally, it's like my ears quit working when you started the pose Engineerboy always refers to as "The Squat 'n Sing". 

Ok.  I'm going to try and finish listening to the rest of the song.  I may have to look away to be able to write an actual vocal review.

The vocals were actually decent, this is the first time I think we've actually heard her voice.  She was clearly comfortable with the song and it showed.  But I cannot watch that strange forward squat.

Amanda Overmyer

Amanda rocks the chaps and sings her some Kansas 

I really wanted to like this performance.  But I'll quote Engineerboy here: "This is one of the lamest songs ever.  Classic rock my ass.  Classic tripe!"  And I'll have to agree with him.

And I love Amanda.  I love that she's consistent; she's her own woman with her own style — both vocally and sartorially.  I love the heck out of her.

But I couldn't quite get into this groove on this pitch-fest… she flat-out could not quite hit those low notes and I'm realizing the husky quality to her voice might actually be a cigarette smoker's death-rattle.  (One HOPES not since she's a nurse but I know several otherwise intelligent people who still suck on those disgusting things).  She rocked the fast parts and the strong note at the end was cool, but… overall it was a bit of a flop.

But that was a cool outfit (special points to Engineerboy for seeing her hairstyle and asking… "Is that Aslan up there??") and I hope she sticks around to wow us again.  I like her.  She should go the Daughtry route and front a band; she'd do really well in that role. 

Alaina Whitaker

'Is someone taking the anal temperature of a cat?!'

So now know you know Engineerboy's opinion.

For me, I liked this about 1000% better than I thought I would.  I mean, I still have a part of me that secretly likes the movie Grease (don't tell Engineerboy) but this is a really corny and stuuuuupid song.  But she allllmost rocked it.  There were flashes of real actual singing in that warble-fest.  But this was one lame song.

 

 

 

Alexandrea Lushington

Alexandrea slaps some boots on her workout outfit and rushes over to sing on Idol
-or-
We finally realize Alexandrea is an alien as she steps through her 'star portal' onto the Idol stage.

Hahahaha, Alexandrea has probably never heard Butters sing this song on South Park when he's trapped in the bomb shelter.  Butters does a better version.

Never pick a song with oo-oo-OOO as the opening to the chorus.  She did a workmanlike job with the vocals but it was overall a sloppy mess.  She sounded nasal and unsure of herself and the song was boring, unoriginal and not one freaking bit current.  Feh, I hope I forget it in the next five minutes.

Oh and BOO HOO on calling herself "the underdog" in the competition.  Wyyyannhhh.

Kady Malloy

Modeling Flinstones couture, Kady murders a Heart song.
-or-
A vortex spontaneously appears behind Kady to suck her back to her universe where that performance would have been in tune.

Tough with Carly, who's probably the best female vocalist they have, already having rocked a Heart song.  There is no way this crazy overly-tanned (even for Houston) chippie is gonna pull off the low growl required for Heart's Magic Man.  It was AN OUT OF TUNE MESS.

Horrible!!

I can't think of bad enough words to encapsulate how out of tune she was on everything other than the chorus.  Oh, and she basically sucked on the chorus too.

I will say I will be amazed if she's still around after tomorrow's vote-off.

Asia'h Epperson

She's gonna be all by herself, alright.

That was awful.  Did her mic cut out or did she just completely fail on that first note? 

Horrible.  This song is one-hundred-percent a singer's song.  And she just couldn't sing it.  It was a risk and she crashed and burned, I'm sorry to say.

Randy and Paula liked it (I can't understand that) but at least Simon agreed with the CleverDonkey household — she couldn't handle that song one bit.

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Top Ten Men

The men took on the seventies…

Michael Johns

Fleetwood Muck

Our Favorite Aussie does a bleennhh job with a Fleetwood Mac song.  Engineerboy hated it but I thought it wasn't too bad, just a bad song choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jason Castro

Charming but not sure yet if he's a singer

Our favorite dreadlocked whiteboy from last week sang the Bee Gees in a feelgood acoustic number that wasn't fabulous but would've been decently enjoyable were he playing at an outdoor festival or at a chilled out pub of some sort.  But I might have to agree with Randy — the whole package is reasonably charming but he may not actually be a stellar vocalist.  I personally don't care but I realize the American Idol producers want the pop singer (which personally I think might be short-sighted of them).  Hopefully he sticks around to get a chance to pick a better song next week.

 

 

 

 

Luke Menard

On Her Majesty's Disservice 

Dude, he looks like Bruce Campbell's less successful younger brother whom you couldn't possibly imagine successfully delivering a line like "Gimme some sugar, baby".  Which then leads to the next point, which is that if he couldn't possibly deliver spoken words with any kind of panache, he certainly can't freaking sing QUEEN!!!!     Paula said it was great but it was HORRIBLE, nasally and weak and uninspired.  I mean he didn't screech through it but it it was awful.  He sang that almost too feminine-ly for a Queen song (uh… did I just say that?).  And as Simon said, he didn't have any charisma or charm… or the ability to carry off a song like Queen's Killer Queen. 

 

 

 

 

Robbie Carrico

ROFLMAO!!!! 

Oh my, Hot Blooded by Foreigner!!  Hahahahahaha!!!  I have a hard time admitting that I even know that song — I could never sing it straight-faced!!!!!!  And dude isn't nearly as sheepish as he should be when he belts out the line "Are you old enough… Will you be ready when I call your bluff?"  Bwahahahahaha… I can't even pay attention to what he sounds like as a singer, because anyone singing that song already sounds like a fool!!! HAHAHAhahah!  I'm still freaking laughing my butt off.  I have no review.  Hahahah!!!

HA!

 

 

Danny Noriega

Go cry emo weasel!

I can't figure this kid out.  He seems to be over-confident as a coping skill.  The sassy head bobs aside, I can hardly listen to him sing because he's trying to imbue the whole performance with some kind of mystique.  Or something. 

 

 

 

 

David Hernandez

Wow, like who's this dude that can sing so well?!

We had to pause for gales of laughter at the bow-chicky-wow-wow intro of the song, like, oh my gracious what cheesy piece of seventies crapsploitation music is this?  He's not actually singing SHAFT is he?!  But no, it was Papa Was a Rolling Stone (made famous by The Temptations).  If you'd told me this ahead of time I would've said, no way he could pull it off, and then I would've followed that with another thought… gee, I don't remember a thing about whether or not this guy can sing.

Well, he can sing.  That was freaking awesome.  HARD to pull off that song and he did it, he felt it, he sang the sh*t out of it.  Unbelievable.  Agree with Paula, he didn't overdo it or undersell it, it was just spot on.  Two sets of Donkey Ears enthusiastically up!!

 

Jason Yeager

Nice kids falls way flat singing the Doobs.

Sorry to say it wasn't such a great performance.  Long Train Runnin' is a very recognizable song from that decade, so it's a great jam but not such a great Idol audition song.  It was boring, and it would be wince-worthy from a wedding singer.  Totally not up to Idol standards.

And special dishonorable mention for the choreographed outro with the guitar-jam-arm-jabs.  Barf!

Chikezie 

Great performance of a song I've never heard before 

So, am I just ig'nant?  I do not know that song.  Helluva performance, though!!  After the Orange-Suited-Overscripted-Weirdness from before I was so just waiting to slog through listening to this performance.   Well shut my mouth!  I would NEVER before have put this dude in the strong singer category, much less a 'belter', but that was pretty impressive.  This is his genre.  Damn fine.

That was something.

 

 

David Cook

Bad Company cover was All Right (Oh c'mon, what other play on words was I gonna make here?!)

Wasn't impressed at first.  However, when I ignored the overall performance/hard-rocker/guitar aspect, etc… he actually gave a really strong vocal performance.  And he's one of the only singers we've seen that's given a performance where sing-along background vocals didn't overshadow his voice.  Not bad.

And he looks comfortable. 

I disagree with Simon that he doesn't have charisma, though.  I mean, we're not swooning here at the Donkey household, but I don't think he's just a singing doink.  And I don't think admitting he's a word nerd did him a disservice.  Pooh on Simon.

David Archuleta

Oh…my…god… John Lennon?

So here's a story.  The week after 9/11 Engineerboy and I were watching A Tribute to Heroes, and the opening chords of Imagine started playing.  We look up and see a cowboy hat bent over a piano, and Eboy says, his voice already cracking, "Who could possibly dare sing this song?"  And then it was Neil Young, and it became obvious, of course, that it was perfect for Neil Young to sing that song.

But you don't really have the same reaction to such a young kid taking on this song.  I mean, he's a baby.  He can't possibly understand it, can he?

But, wow, that was really something.  I am very ambivalent about anyone covering Imagine, much less changing it up vocally to the newer vocal run R&B style that's popular now.  But I can't really find much fault with it.  It did bring tears to my eyes.  I have to give him credit, I think he may have lived up to the song. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s Oscar Sunday again!!

We will be posting live updates during the broadcast all night! (Well… sort of live… we run about an hour behind on the TiVo cache to capture these images for your amusement. Do you see how we bleed for you, anonymous public? Do you SEE?!)

We hear Diablo Cody is wearing diamond shoes tonight but haven’t seen them yet. However, if they do appear, rest assured that those pics and MANY more will be posted throughout the evening and into the wee morning hours. Look for extra dishiness, cattiness, and typos as we get progressively more punchdrunk and actually drunk as I start to nip into the limoncello. 🙂

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Top Honors

Jennifer Garner

Okay, so I’m biased here because I we used to watch Alias (yes it’s true, okay, there, I admitted it), but damn she is just too beautiful. She looks fabulous, I love the soft messy hair, normally I would diss the black mermaid and collared necklace but she’s too great. I just love her dress! And she’s so nice, she name-checked her stylist when asked for ‘her secret’ to looking so great.

 

 

 

Hillary Swank

Rocks the Versace, also earning high marks with black sleekness and illustrating the one-shoulder trend to come for the evening.

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Couples Fever

Heidi Klum & Seal

Seal & Heidi looked dashing. Seal as always dapper in a conservative tux with a special shout out for the tiny curved-point collar (I’m sure there’s an official name for it but I don’t know what it is). Oh, and the back of Ryan Seacrest’s head as a lapel pin. Heidi showed up in a Galliano stand-up collar red gown that looked a bit like she was a villaness in a Disney flick but no matter; she was wearing it so that it would raise heart disease awareness and money by being auctioned off afterward for charity. All together now…awwwwww!

George Clooney & Girlfriend

They said her name earlier but I don’t remember. But they are a dapper couple — I like how she matched her silver dress to his hair color! Seriously, though, I don’t recommend any floral prints at the Oscars, honey. You’re adorable but that dress looks a wee bit like a shiny couch. I’m sorry, it’s the truth.

 

 

 

Scullcap Boy and Mango Girl (I mean, John Travolta and Kelly Preston)

Wow, this is a pair of atrocities. Engineerboy speculates that Travolta’s hair is actually just shoe polish delicately applied. I disagree, I don’t think it was delicately applied at all. Kelly P’s tropical marinade of a Cavalli dress isn’t actually bad if a little boring (I’m fairly partial to the orange tones myself) but it’s so hard to give that dress its due when it’s next to Barber-elly. Two emphatic sets of Donkey Ears down!! But we are entertained. Especially because we’re now into the Limoncello. We are really entertained.

 

The Rock

Honarary mention here for The Rock. Although he’s not seen with wife/etc in this pic, we simply had to put him after John Travolta so you could see the duplicate skullcap.

 

 

 

Jessica Alba and Jim Henson

Jessica Al-boa, I mean, Jessica Alba, flaunts the full figure and drapes the bump in a garnet Marchesa frock that looks a bit like a Muppet was sacrificed for the cause. But we love her anyway because she’s cute and glowing with impending motheringness.

 

 

 

Double Date Superbadness Lookalikes!!

OMG we are seeing double! Seth Rogan of Superbad fame and his lovely date in the low-cut bronziness are on the left, Jonah Hill who PLAYED Seth in Superbad. Rock on! Dig Seth’s date, too — boy, she really looks like she knows how to take a… oh, nevermind. This is a family website. But if you’ve seen Superbad feel free to crack up. Assuming my joke was funny, that is.

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Redrum

Anne Hathaway

Man, like what is the trend for the one-shoulder dress this year? Anne sported the blood red flowery drapey Hawaiian lei version by Marchesa with an arm swoop, and a cute-but-not-too-cute fall of the hair. It’s a pretty dress and she’s a pretty girl, but wow does she look pale with that bright red color! Better than the spray-on-tan, though, right?? And props for the small elegant diamond earrings. (Kimora Lee Simmons could learn something here, see below).

 

Ruby Dee

Ruby also rocks the red, this time in satin. We like.

 

 

 

 

Miley Cyrus

Miley showed up à la rouge as well, in Valentino. Nice, demure, cute and age-appropriate. Clever Donkeys approve. Just be thankful I didn’t make an Achey Breakey joke.

 

 

 

 

 

Katherine Heigl

Girl just knows how to look good. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Love hair. Love makeup. Love jewelry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Helen Mirren

Lovin’ the red. But the silver sleeves are a little weird. But still, she’s classy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Bow-ring

Amy Ryan

The “Gone Baby Gone” actress sported a boring but elegant navy Calvin Klein.

 

 

 

 

 

Amy Adams

Amy Adams is truly beautiful, there’s just nothing like the natural fair-skinned loveliness of a true redhead, especially in emerald. Unfortunately, she doesn’t wow in this Prouenza Schouler dress, but that’s more about the dress than her. She’s gorgeous. It may also be a fabulous-in-person-but-boring-on-camera type thing — the dress, I mean.

 

 

 

Laura Linney

The dress has interesting lines (good bustle in the back, if you know what I mean and I think you do) but … yawn. I’ve already forgotten it and I’m still typing.

 

 

 

 

Keri Russell

Too skinny, too beige, too boring. These ladies need to do the Cher-in-the-movie-Clueless-polaroid-check to see how that ‘cute dress’ actually looks on camera! I should be a stylist. Okay, email me at [email protected] to hire me.

 

 

 

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Um… hunh?!

Here’s the section where we collectively snort and ask… okay, what were you thinking?!

Daniel Fey Lewis… I mean Daniel DAY Lewis

Wow, dude. Some guys can pull off the two earring look. I’m thinking like Egyptian Pharoahs about 3000 years ago and maybe Rob Thomas but only when he sings that hot latin song with Santana. But you, sir, I am not sure you’re in the camp of Dudes Cool Enough to Rock the Two Earrings Without Looking Decidedly Non-Hetero. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

 

 

Daniel Day Lewis’ Wife in Crazy Ass Bejeweled Black and Random Red Bow Strapped Super Weirdness!!!

And keeping the Day-Lewis clan in the running as the ONLY folks in this category so far, is… his wife! Okay, this is so far the odds on favorite of the night for bravest fashion choice. That is really and truly one of the most unflattering, ugliest, randomest, part-A-does-not-match-part-B-and-they’re-both-slapdashed-on-dress-C items of fashion I have ever seen in my young and hitherto sheltered life. I think my retinas are bleeding. I must move on. Cleverdonkey.com not responsible for screen burn or other pixelated injury to users’ computers because of this image.

 

Marion Cotillard

This dress so almost works. Squint your eyes a little and it’s a beautiful silhouette on a beautiful lady. But why make a mermaid tail dress that you actually embroider fishscales on?! Was the designer afraid we wouldn’t get what he/she was attempting to evoke here? Disappointing, because this could’ve been the gown of the evening were it not for the salmon skin texture. Mmmm… now I want sashimi.

 

 

 

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Oh, Honey.

Cameron Diaz

Ok, Cam, honey, was there not, like, a shower at the Bikram studio before you came to the awards? I’d love to give you props for the ultra-casual non-pretentious hairstyle, but, sweetheart, the Independent Spirit awards were yesterday. Let’s get some style going, hunh?!

 

 

Renée Zellweger

I know I should be kinder because she’s a local girl and all. But yet again I say. TOO SKINNY. Too stressed. Looks like she has a pillbug in her mouth (Engineerboy submits picture #2 as proof of said pillbugs). Gorgeous dress (presumably Carolina Herrera) but horrible Edward Furlong hairdo. I just wish I could give that girl some happy.

 

 

 

Jennifer Hudson

As a fellow well-endowed woman, I think I can safely assert that gathered white halter empire waist dresses are not for our type of figure, sweetheart. You look good from the back but that front view… harsh, girl. Way harsh.

 

 

 

Tilda Swinton as Ziggy Stardust

This dress looks like it was made from the rayon you use to sew a dress pattern before you sew the real one out of silk. This dress looks like the thick rubber liner you install when you build a concrete shower pan. This dress looks like a shiny-wifebeater on the left and a Hefty bag on the right. This dress looks like her real dress ripped on the way over so she stole the upholstery on the ceiling of the limo. This dress looks like one of those suits that make you sweat to lose weight while you run on the treadmill. This dress looks like what the CGI department gives you when they need you to film a digital sequence where your body is engulfed by a giant blob. This dress looks like the inmate gown at a trying-to-be-ritzy mental hospital. This dress looks like the first dress a West Virginia lottery millionaire buys after she cashes in the winning ticket. This dress looks like a bullet-resistant Sari worn by a Welsh congresswoman at a state dinner in India. This dress looks like it was made out of the bolstering from Johnny Cash’s casket. This dress looks like it was recut from Tim Burton’s baby blanket.

Catching breath now. Don’t get me wrong, Swinton was freaking fantastic in Michael Clayton, and I think she’s brilliant. But that is one super freaking ugly dress.

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The Young and the Restless

Saoirse Ronan

The young nominee wears a beautiful jade 1930’s-inspired chiffony thing by Alberta Ferretti. She’s absolutely adorable and sweet.

 

 

 

 

Ellen Page

The Juno star stays safe but that’s okay. We like the young ones to go conservative rather than outlandish. Too many Britneys in this world already. Bravo Ms. Page.

 

 

 

 

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Backgrounders

Sometimes the folks wandering by have some fun and brave looks. Here were some of our faves.

Purple Furwrap’s Majesty

No idea who this is, but that is one furry purple thing that’s attacking her elbows.

 

 

 

 

Got my hand in my pocket and I’m waiting for my rocket to come…

I never have understood the pocket-on-the-formal gown thing. I mean, isn’t the point of an Oscar dress to be as smooth as possible?? I would worry about natural lumps showing through my gown without adding tailored ones!!! (Much less contrasting piping at the breast, under the breast, and at the waist!) Ohhh, and it’s purple, too. Tacky Lilac Trend Alert!!! We’re on a roll!

 

And now

appearing… the singer for “Blue Day”!

The Purple trends marches boldly on with this India Ink hairstyle in the background!

 

 

 

OMG I so, like, totally, omg, like, LOVE your dress!

I’m sure this girl is a nice person and may not necessarily deserve to be pilloried on some random website such as your correspondent’s, but this is a funny picture of said assumed-nice-person telling Jennifer Garner how much she absolutely loves Jen’s dress. Dig the whites of the eyes.

 

 

Random Actor’s Wife with the Heavily Kohled Eyes (oh wait, James McAvoy and Anne-Marie Duff, whoever they are)

I’m sure this lady is actually lovely in real life, but purple went back on trend with the wackies with this dark indigo silk thing and some dark makeup that I’m sure is intended to look sophisticated but instead makes Random Actor’s wife look a bit like a strung out meth addict. But with better teeth and some bitchin’ earrings.

 

 

Yeah, That’s Right. You’re a BACKGROUNDER now, Mr. Busey.

Holy cow, live TV is hilarious and scary sometimes!! Gary Busey — seemingly born to go off-script at a moment’s notice, has a hilarious bit of presumably-alcohol-fueled interrupt-y badness as Seacrest gamely tries to field Busey’s off-camera shouted rant while simultaneously attempting to interview the lovely Jen Garner.

 

Gary Busey, The Return

And it continued, with Busey babbling congratulations at Laura Linney and then grabbing Jennifer Garner and — apparently — kissing her on the neck. That was some class-A live-TV Gary Busey Academy Awards weirdness!

 

 

 

Oh, Honey – Backgrounder Edition. Tsk Tsk.

Is that gold lamé or is it sequin? Is it live or is it Memorex? Is it Victoria’s Secret or is it Frederick’s of Hollywood? I do not know the answer, but I know she was asking the wrong question. Fo’ sho’.

 

 

 

Tweety Couture

Wow. That is one yellow dress. As a rule, normal women should definitely leave yellow dresses to angel-haired three-year-olds at Easter and sassy elderly black women who can pull it off without batting an iron-clad eyelash. I don’t think this woman is either of those.

 

 

The Worst Coat in the Universe

LA must be like Houston, in that whenever the temperature dips below sixty degrees, the women who feel they must flaunt fur drag their poor pelts out of storage for that one or two days of conspicuous consumption that the tropical weather meagerly affords them. This is a particularly fabulous example, stolen from the exact same picture as Marion Cotillard… I don’t even have words to describe this getup. ‘Tacky’ doesn’t even do it justice. ‘Ugly’ would be kind. Unfortunate is the word that leaps to mind, although that word regrettably absolves this satin-gloved Clairol-haired black-hose-wearin’ star-gawker of a woman of any responsibility in said clothing choice. And she must be held responsible. Someone, somewhere, has to pay.

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The Presenters

Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest is going balls-out with a Dolce & Gabbana he-hopes-it’s-trendy black-and-chocolate-brown shawl collar tux with inky black tie and shirt. Brave one. But, he is Ryan Seacrest after all, so we’ll go ahead and cut him a little slack and say we like it.

 

 

Giuliana Rancic

Very reminiscent of Beyoncé’s Armani Privé from last year. Her amethyst-colored Zuhair Murad was nice but boring. Which I guess is what you want in a presenter.

 

 

 

 

Kimora Lee Simmons

J Mendel gown was really flattering but the overload of diamonds-that-look-like-cheap-rhinestones just sort of killed it. I liked the million-dollar-hair clip but the other stuff was too much. Does this woman ever just trust her natural beauty to show through? I’ve never seen her when she wasn’t dripping in diamonds. C’mon girl, let’s downshift a bit and realize that sometimes just you can shine.

 

 

Jillian Barberie Reynolds (Some Weather Chick?)

Tricycle-handlebar-streamer earrings too long. Zebra stripe chiffon boring. Yawn.

 

 

 

 

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Major Nominees (and Winners) for 2008 Academy Awards

Supporting Actor

• Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
• Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”
• Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War”
• Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild”
• Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton”

Supporting Actress

• Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There”
• Ruby Dee in “American Gangster”
• Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement”
• Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone”
• Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton”

Best Actor

• George Clooney in “Michael Clayton
• Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”
• Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”
• Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah”
• Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises”

Best Actress

• Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”
• Julie Christie in “Away from Her”
• Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose”
• Laura Linney in “The Savages”
• Ellen Page in “Juno”

Best Screenplay (Original)

• Diablo Cody – “Juno”
• Nancy Oliver – “Lars and the Real Girl”
• Tony Gilroy – “Michael Clayton”
• Brad Bird (Screenplay), Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird (Story) – “Ratatouille”
• Tamara Jenkins – “The Savages”

Best Screenplay (Adapted)

• Christopher Hampton – “Atonement”
• Sarah Polley – “Away from Her”
• Ronald Harwood – “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
• Joel Coen & Ethan Coen – “No Country for Old Men”
• Paul Thomas Anderson – “There Will Be Blood”

Best Director

• Julian Schnabel – “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
• Jason Reitman – “Juno”
• Tony Gilroy – “Michael Clayton”
• Joel Coen and Ethan Coen – “No Country for Old Men”
• Paul Thomas Anderson – “There Will Be Blood”

Best Picture

• “Atonement”
• “Juno”
• “Michael Clayton”
• “No Country for Old Men”
• “There Will Be Blood”

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Click here to see our recap of this week’s performances by the men.
Click here to see our recap of this week’s Idol eliminations.

The Girls (Wednesday Night)

Well, tonight it was the girl’s turn, continuing The Sixties theme. All around there were quite a few lackluster performances, and only one standout – Carly Smithson. As for the rest, was it nerves? Bad picks by the judges? Poor song choices? Bird flu? Who knows, but the fact that the judges said as many positive things as they did leads me to believe that they’re scrambling to recover from a poor batch of lady contestants this year.

Kristy Lee Cook

Sang “Rescue Me” in a very uninspired performance. And maybe this was because she’s a horsewoman, but she stood with a Larry-Craig-worthy wide stance throughout her performance…was she trying to dazzle us with misdirection? It didn’t work.

Joanne Borgella

Performed “I Say a Little Prayer for You”, and it was a very flat and forgettable performance. The song has a lot of orchestration and backup singers and her voice kind of disappeared in the mix – which she may have done purposely to hide her nerves, perhaps? All in all very disappointing.

Alaina Whitaker

Covered “I Love You More Today Than Yesterday”. Her performance was technically pretty good, but completely soulless. The judges liked her, but perhaps they see potential there…you can teach performance skills, but if you can’t sing you can’t sing.

Amanda Overmyer

Sang “Baby Please Don’t Go”, which included one of the great performances by the Idol band, but only honky-tonk-screeching from Amanda who also seemed to be hiding any singing ability behind the band – you could only hear her during the screamed parts. We still like her but her voice was too small tonight to take on the song and front the band, but we hope she sticks around so we get to hear more from her.

Amy Davis

Sang “Where the Boys Are”, and one hopes the boys were somewhere else during this performance. It was simply terrible – flat and off key from the first bar to the last. She was so good in tryouts, flawlessly covering “Blue Bayou”, which is a singer’s song of the first degree. Perhaps she was one of the ones with the flu tonight, but she barely managed to squeak and squawk her way through it to the end.

Brooke White

Covered “Happy Together” in an uncomfortable mess of a performance. What is it with the ladies tonight? Flat, pitchy, nervous, and definitely uncomfortable during the bah-bah-bah-bah scat part. But yet again the judges liked her. So far not one of the ladies tonight showed any star power of any type, and Brooke simply blended in to the mediocrity.

Alexandrea Lushington

Sang “Spinning Wheel” in a completely awful mess of a performance. Her wheels spun right off, she ran out of breath and ended up barely pushing out the last few lines of the song. Yet again Paula and Randy liked it, in the face of all reason. Simon had it right…he didn’t get it, and neither did I.

Kady Malloy

Performed “A Groovy Kind of Love” with a country twist. It wasn’t bad, with some pitchy parts, but she definitely can sing. But, again, just completely soulless. I think that people like Michael Bolton and Celine Dion have tainted the music business with their success – each has a big, powerful voice and zero soul. That’s a soul temperature of absolute zero. And Kady’s performance was wooden and she looked a bit medicated, to be frank.

Asia’h Epperson

Oh my god, did she actually try to cover Janis Joplin’s “Another Piece of My Heart”?!?? OMFG, where do these chiclets get the nerve? I think I’m going to have to stop watching 60’s week on Idol because these young pup contestants simply have no idea of the magnitude of the songs they are singing. They don’t do the songs justice and it seems like it’s because the songs are meaningless to them. That may be the nature of things, but to watch these tyros prance around as if they’re worthy of singing some of these songs is infuriating. Oh, and Asia’h’s performance was simply lackluster. But the judges liked it. Oy.

Ramiele Malubay

And another one, this time covering “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” by Dusty Springfield. Listen, I’m very okay if someone wants to update a song, make it fresh, and/or make it their own. But, if you take on a classic by a legend you better bring your “A” game. And Ramiela did not. Again, another barely tolerable performance for this stage of Idol. But yet again, the judges loved it. I can’t figure out if I’m crazy, the judges are crazy, or if the judges are simply making the best of it because their ultimate goal is to sell records.

Syesha Mercado

Sang “Tobacco Road” in a completely horrible performance. Her voice was way too small for the song, and the end was completely off-key, horribly so, so bad that I got goosebumps but not the good kind – the kind you get from fingernails on a blackboard. But the judges *loved* it. Maybe my sound system is busted? I don’t think so because the backstory parts with their original auditions and Hollywood week contain a lot of good singing.

Carly Smithson

Covered “Shadow of Your Smile” originally done by Nancy Sinatra, and this was my favorite performance of the night. It was by no means a star-making turn, but it was the best of the lot tonight. Kind of torchy and jazzy it showed what a strong, pure voice she has. I’m not sure it was the best song choice, but she sang it with feeling and power.

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Click here to see our recap of this week’s performances by the women.
Click here to see our recap of this week’s Idol eliminations.

The Boys (Tuesday Night)

The boys kicked it off with The Sixties. Some real talent this year. And several we’ll have forgotten by the time we’re chattering at the water cooler on Friday.

David Hernandez

An uninspired rendition of… oh I don’t know what. Decent voice, but yawn. He was nervous, didn’t move around the stage very much. His left leg sorta kept the beat in that pelvis-forward-but-brutally-awkward stance that 15 year old boys have at their first high school dance. And, honey, that shirt looked like the “before” picture in a Spray-n-Wash Spot Remover commercial.

Chikezie

I like that American Idol lets people return for multiple seasons, even if they’ve been to Hollywood before. It’s smart for the producers — they don’t put someone in the permanent ‘no’ pile and lose out on a money making opportunity — and it’s great for the contestants — if they just need a little polish or a little voice training or a little confidence or whatever, they’ve got the better part of a year to work on all of that. A drawback to this scenario, however, is that it seems to be spawning the “professional contestant”. Chikezie has the whole schtick down, man… he lost some weight, got the fly persimmon-colored suit, and sported some clearly rehearsed ‘natural stage presence’ bullcrap. But he’s lost that ingenue’s wide-eyed wonderment at the whole process — rather than being amazed by it all, he’s determined to master it. So he’s got the smooth patter with the judges (not even letting Simon talk) and the smart alecky one-liners. Oh yeah, and now he’s just down to one name. I’m so over him already.

David Cook

Wow, super nice guy; totally not enamored of himself. Happy Together by The Turtles was an inspired song choice for 60’s night but unfortunately he was a bit uneven. He’s got the stage presence thing down but I get the impression that he didn’t know the song that very well, because he proved in his original audition that he can do difficult vocals with a lot of range. But the judges loved it, and it was a great take on the song. I’m hoping it was just nerves, because he seems really original and genuinely a good person. I wish he would just comb the hair back, though. The flared-forward rooster tail isn’t fooling anyone dude.

Jason Yeager

Nice kid, seems like a good dad and all that. He’s a bit too plasticly gorgeous, like a Hollywood director took the volleyball scene from Top Gun and put it a giant Central Casting Morph-o-Matic. The vocals were stolid and bo-ring with a capital ‘bo’.

Robbie Carrico

Engineerboy’s high praise is “He’s got a Journey voice”. “Well,” he then clarified, he meant that as “medium praise”, in that Steve Perry has a perfect voice and no soul. “This guy has more soul, but not as great of a voice”. But he rocked the Three Dog Night, which is always a way into this reviewer’s good graces. And there were moments when the soaring background singers weren’t drowning him out and you heard a true rock voice hitting the note just right. We liked!

David Archuleta

I’m always in awe of these young kids that are on this show. I remember what I was like at 17 and boy am I sure glad there weren’t any cameras broadcasting into America’s living rooms back then… at least none pointed at me. But this kid is just so sweet and nice as to almost not be believable. But boy can he SING!! He’s a bit uneven but really talented. And he really got the crowd going! David Hernandez (Spray-n-Wash) could learn some things from this kid.

Daniel Noriega

If I only had to listen to him and not watch him. Or listen to him talk in the pre-interview stage about his “attitude and swagger”. GROSS! He’s a good singer but he’s annoying as hell. And anyone that young attempting Elvis better bring it. He did, I guess. But the arrangement was a little too fast.

Luke Menard

Wow, seriously out of tune in spots. Like the spot where he sang. Even his audition sounded like that to me. Truly Terrible. And the slacker-hoodie-thing is like so Ben-Affleck-pre-Jennifer-Lopez. Blech. I predict Luke Songkiller will be gone by next week.

Colton Berry

So we finally get to see a little more of the kid who kicked out the future governor of Oklahoma. He took on Suspicious Minds (what is with these kids that have the chutzpah take on Elvis?). Hated the blue pants. Hated the vocals. Not a big fan of the performance, either. I think I agree with Simon that he isn’t a recording artist.

Garrett Haley

Sigh. It’s painful to watch these kids try to talk to the camera/America — don’t try so hard, kids!! Just answer Ryan’s questions. But he seems nice. Cool that he auditioned in San Diego on a lark, that he hasn’t been like planning his life around this since he was in grade school. He sounds like he can have a good voice, but this either wasn’t the right song for it or he wasn’t at his best. But there were glimmers. He did really well on the key change at the end. But slow ballads are killer unless it’s got some serious emotion in it. I hope he sticks around for at least another week, because I bet we could see something good.

Jason Castro

Cool song!! Cool playing the guitar! So cool, the audience was clapping along immediately. WOW! I love the interpretation — risky on a John Sebastian “joint” (as Randy would say) but paid off BIG TIME. Damn. Excellent!!! Outta nowhere, totally amazing!! Two enthusiastic sets of Donkey Ears up!!! Dude’s got the look, the voice, the originality, the talent. Amazing that he’d only ever sung in public a few times before auditioning for Idol. Love love love. A true natural.

Michael Johns

He’s been our favorite since he sang Bohemian Rhapsody during Hollywood Week. This performance was good but didn’t blow us away — hard to follow whiteboy-dreadlocked Jason Castro, strangely enough! And that Doors song is so overblown, it’s hard to take anyone seriously who sings ‘and our love become a funeral pyre’. Pleaze! But he’s a good singer, fo’ sho’. We’ll be voting and he should be back, easily.

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And the top 24 are…

Letting the contestants play instruments was a stroke of brilliance. Not only did it help us see the true performers who are really comfortable up there on stage, but it broke the monotony of Hollywood Week and – thank GOODNESS – meant that we didn’t have to have any more group auditions with pimple-faced-stress-pups forgetting the words to “Baby Love” by the Supremes.

Carly Smithson (a.k.a. Girl with Irish Accent and Half-Sleeve Tattoo)

Carly certainly did better in her audition than at Hollywood, but you can tell that she can actually sing. I just wish she didn’t sound like she was forcing out that voice. Dude and what’s with the blue tongue? A little too much rehearsal chloroseptic?

David Cook (a.k.a. Slightly Balding Rocker Trying for the Green Day Hairstyle)

I like this guy, he is really comfortable singing. I agree with Simon, though — he might be less comfortable when he doesn’t have a guitar with him.

Amanda Overmyer (a.k.a. Skunk Stripe Janis-ette with Surprisingly Good Voice)

This girl really surprised us. When they did the pre-story on her during auditions, I was so already over her with the crazy blonde bits and the no-helmet-wearing-idiocy on the motorcycle. I was waiting for her to be some kind of screechy twit. We were really surprised by the power of her voice, although we’re not sure she can keep up that rocker’s rasp throughout the whole competition.

David Archuleta (a.k.a. Cherub Face, Cherub Voice)

This kid is just too nice and cute!! A surprisingly strong voice for such a young kid. And he’s just too polite.

Kristy Lee Cook (a.k.a. Who the Hell is this Blonde Chick We’ve Never Seen Before?)

I’ve got no analysis here. Don’t remember seeing her before, but she clearly has the cute adorable look.

Brooke White (a.k.a. Blonde Wavy Hair Big Earrings Nanny Who’s Never Seen an R Movie)

She tensed up during the first Hollywood performance, very distracted by playing the piano. But she does have a good voice and seems honestly very sweet. Interesting to see how her nerves stack up over the next week or two!!

Danny Noriega (a.k.a. Good Voice and Slightly Fey)

Good voice but a bit over-the-top with the mannerisms. Can’t wait to see where we go from here. I predict the judges will get annoyed with him.

Jason Castro (a.k.a. Rastafari-ish)

Uh. Commentary pending.

Luke Menard (a.k.a. Chandler Bong)

Never heard him before. But he kinda looks like a doper, we decided.

Alexandra Lushington (a.k.a. Random Contestant Number Four)

I’d make fun of her since I have no singing commentary, but with a last name like Lushington she’s probably already had a tough go of it. We’ll let her off the hook.

Ramiela Malubay (a.k.a. Tiniest Filipino Singer Ever)

She does have a big voice, especially for such a tiny person!

Michael Johns (a.k.a. OMG is he Really Going to Sing Freddy Freaking Mercury?!)

This guy is good. Our early pick for winner. Amazing. Seen here modeling his action wear.

Syesha Mercado (a.k.a. Scarf Girl Who Got Hoarse)

She does have a good voice.

Robbie Carrico (a.k.a. Didn’t That Look Go Out With Bret Michaels?)

This guy has a much better voice than you’d think. Not blown away yet, but he could surprise.

Garrett Haley (a.k.a. “Harold” Stern)

Never heard of him. I guess we will though.

Kady Malloy (a.k.a. Cute, Blonde, Whatever)

I never realized how many of the contestants I’d never heard of at this point in the competition. Now I do. Alas, Kady, I’m already forgetting you. Go ahead. Prove me wrong.

Chikezie Eze (a.k.a. The Search Engines Will Never Find This Dude Because Who Will Know How To Spell This?! But Trust Me This is the Spelling)

I think I remember his original audition. Sounded good I think.

Amy Davis (a.k.a. Auditioning for the next Tim Burton Flick)

La la la. Someday maybe I’ll have something to say about her. But for now: she’s pale. I’ve never heard of her. There, I’m done.

Alaina Whitaker (a.k.a. Witness Protection Program)

Okay, message to all the hopefuls. Do not put your hands over your mouth. We cannot get a good picture of you. There, I’ve said it. See what you made me do?

Jason Yeager (a.k.a. Host of Talk Soup)

Are you still here? I’m not sure I am. He was one enthusiastic dude when they told him. That’s cool.

Asai’h Epperson (a.k.a. Another Search Engine Nightmare)

Don’t parents know by now to pick a unique name but not one that’s hard to Google? Seriously, though, she’s decent singer but I’m not moved at all. And she has the whole Mary J Blige 2000-crunches-a-day put-together “look” down way too pat for me. Shrug. Yawn. Is there any lasagna left in the fridge?

Colton Berry (a.k.a. Ennh)

Don’t really remember him from before. I don’t think he should’ve gotten in over Kyle the Geeky Governor. That stinks!!!

Joanne Borgella (a.k.a. Plus Size Model)

I like her. I’m glad she made it.

Oh my god I cannot believe he didn’t make it!!!

Josiah Leming (a.k.a. Sad Quavery Tennessee Boy Who Lived in his Car)

He’s really something. I cannot believe he didn’t make it. I know he was rough and even a little disingenous, but geez, he had promise. I hope someone signs him, he’s really good. So sad, nobody even there to console him when he came out. That’s a shame. He’s a talented kid. Somebody sign him!! He’s just as sad and a better singer than Bright Eyes.

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1/15/2008 – Season Seven Premiere, Philadelphia, PA

Well, here we go again with another season of American Idol!  Tonight’s premiere got things started in the traditional style, with wildly varying singing skills, as well as a large standard deviation on the sanity scale.  The shtick of putting through painfully untalented contestants for either tragic mockery or pitiable foolishness is growing old.  This is a singing competition and the things that count are voice talent and charisma, period.  It’s also nice to get the backstory for the contestants, such as the young lady tonight whose daughter had a neuromuscular disease – she sang her heart out, made it to Hollywood, and couldn’t have had a brighter or sunnier personality, in spite of the challenges she must face as a young mother.

I’m not sure if I respect or detest the AI producer’s decision to stick so closely to the show’s formula.  On the one hand, it’s nice to see a show that doesn’t have a neurotic need to be “new” and/or “different” and/or “revolutionary”.  AI has a good formula and they stick with it.  On the other hand it is also a bit predictable.  But in the grand scheme of things, given a choice of something “new” (and probably stupid) and “old”, I’ll take the tried and true, even if it is a bit stodgy.

Overall the contestants were what you would expect for the opening tryouts.  A dash of crazies, a handful of pathetically misguided souls, a whole lot of mediocrity, and the tiniest pinch of really good singers.  It’s still too early to spot any great ones, but there was some great potential and we’re looking forward to seeing the rest of the tryouts and getting to freaking Hollywood!

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One of the enduring mysteries of the series “South Park” are the muffled lyrics sung by Kenny in the opening theme song. For those unfamiliar, Kenny is a young boy character on the animated show who constantly wears an orange parka that is cinched tightly across his face so that it muffles his voice. The lyrics he sings at the end of the theme song are almost completely unintelligible (and also change every couple of seasons – even if the words are difficult/impossible to make out, you can tell that what he’s saying changes every couple of seasons).

In the Wikipedia entry for the series it is claimed that a FAQ on the South Park Studios site revealed the lyrics, but that FAQ is no longer (or never was??) online. That leaves the lyrics in doubt, from my perspective.

Now to the revelation. I regularly fall asleep watching television wearing headphones (so as not to disturb Mynagirl). We also have a TiVo in the bedroom, which means that through the course of the night it will switch channels to record the things with which we’ve tasked it. One of those things is our Season Pass for South Park, which airs at all hours of the night.

So the other night I fell asleep with the TV playing and my headphones on, and the audio from a South Park episode crossed the ear/sleep barrier and invaded my dreams. In my dream I could understand the line sung by the muffled Kenny in the South Park theme song. This realization was so profound that it woke me up, with the newly understood lyrics clinging to my consciousness. I quickly rewound the TiVo to the opening theme and re-listened to it, and I’ll be damned if I haven’t figured it out, at least for the season in question (Season 2).

The episode in question was Gnomes from 1998. And the specific words that Kenny sings in the opening credits are:

“Alligators eat potatoes, alligators eat potatoes…”

Above is the video/audio evidence for your perusal – Kenny says the line starting about 24 seconds in (right near the end, click the play arrow in the lower-left corner of the video window to play).

The Wikipedia entry claims that the lyrics are “I love girls with big fat titties, I love girls with deep vaginas.” Those are certainly South Park-ian lyrics, but my take is that what was actually sung was the nonsensical and poetic “Alligators eat potatoes” and that the more scatalogical decode was released later as disinformation by the South Park producers to build the mystique of the show.

Play the video, give a listen and decide for yourself. Enjoy!

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Michael Clayton is an old-fashioned movie, which means that the movie is built on a great script, great directing, and great acting.  It is exciting with minimal special effects.  It is tense with little or no blood or gore.  It is funny without gross-out humor.  There is a hero, but he is a flawed human being.  There are strong male and female leads, but no love story.  There appears to be some type of redemption at the end, but it is of cold comfort.

George Clooney (above, right) plays the title character, who is a cleaner at a high-powered law firm.  When one of the firms big-wig clients gets dirt under their fingernails, the firm sends in Michael Clayton to clean up the mess.  He’s not a trial lawyer, he’s a fixer.  He greases the right skids, spins the right stories, smartens up the clients as to realistic expected outcomes, and then moves on to the next mess.  He’s highly paid, but not a partner, and apparently never will be given the…distasteful…nature of his specialty.  He’s a mercenary fighting for the side with the most money, and rightness and justness are left for children’s fairy tales.

And despite his high wages, Clayton is broke.  He started a bar with his brother as a partner, but his brother fell off the drug wagon and took the business with him.  Clayton also spends too much time at back-room poker games, and also funded the failing bar with loan shark money.  This pressing debt makes it very difficult for him to see that he is mortgaging his humanity for money.

His latest mess involves one of his own firms star trial attorneys, Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson), who for the last six years has been leading the defense of one of the firms clients (a gigantic food company a la Con Agra or Archer Daniels Midland) against charges that one of their farming chemicals kills said farmers and their families, and the company knew about it and did nothing.  But Arthur has snapped his cap, stripped naked during depositions, and chased the opposition around a parking lot in nothing but his socks.

Arthur’s madness is not random, it is a breakdown brought on by the fact that while sifting through tens of thousands of documents during discovery he uncovered a report from the client’s own scientists…stating that their product will kill people…escalating the issue to executive management…and with an acknowledgments page containing the signature of the CEO.  In other words, not only the smoking gun, but the gun, the bullets, the motive, the opportunity, the blood, the body, the microbes, the fingerprints, the gunpowder residue, the security cam footage, and the confession. The signed confession.

However, all Clayton knows is that the lead counsel for their largest client has gone off his rocker, and as the fixer he needs to get him under control and not jeopardize the upcoming settlement.  However, as Clayton digs into the facts he begins to learn the truth, and the enormity of the wrongdoing manages to pierce his debt-clouded, mercenary sensibilities and give him a crisis of conscience.

Even further gone in the soul-mortgaging department is Karen Crowder (Tilda Swinton, above left), who is the Chief Counsel for food corporation.  Her character is a vicious dragon lady, or appears to be so, but the film allows us to see her gearing up for battle…rehearsing…nervous…unsure……alone.  In a stunning surprise for a film this major, she is kind of normal sized and kind of normal in appearance.  But when she’s fully prepared and dressed for battle she is quite formidable, as Clayton finds out.

And in this film we get to see both Clooney’s and Swinton’s characters approach the same border…the border between immoral ruthlessness and actual, pure evil.  One of them teeters at the edge, while the other pauses for only the briefest moment to ponder the line passing underfoot as they rush to the dark side.

The performances are remarkable in this film.  Clooney plays Clayton in a $400 haircut, wearing $3,000 suits, driving a $100,000 car and flashing a $1,000,000 smile.  But he has dead eyes, all his smiles have a purpose.  Tilda Swinton plays Karen Crowder as the woman who got it all, then wonders wtf she was thinking by wanting it in the first place, but it’s now too late to turn back and become Betty Crocker.  Tom Wilkinson inhabits crazy Arthur as a latter-day Howard Beale, the mad prophet of the courtroom.

Deserving special mention is the legendary director (and noteworthy actor) Sydney Pollack, as the law firms managing partner.  His role is small, but it is powerful, and he imbues his character with the combination of gravitas, threat, and humanity that all great CEOs have.  You can tell that he truly does care about people, but not quite as much as he cares about money and power.

Put this all together and you get a tense, exciting, wild, and enjoyable ride, well worth the visit to the multiplex.  The ending is exciting and a bit unexpected (and maybe implausible, see below for question with spoiler), and be sure to stay through the end credits to see a Clooney acting tour de force.  The minimalist credits roll in the corner of an extended, uncut scene of Clooney’s character in the back of a cab leaving the climactic finale.  As the cab crawls through New York, Clooney sits and stares and thinks for several minutes.  Much like Marlon Brando’s back in the opening scene of The Godfather or Clint Eastwood’s sneering stare in any number of his films, Clooney conveys pages of dialog and exposition by not doing much of anything except completely becoming the character in that moment.  Clooney continues to amaze, both by transcending his pretty-boy roots and showing that he truly is an actor, and by continuing to make interesting, risky, and challenging career decisions (interspersed with “Ocean’s” films…a man has to eat…and have a villa in Italy).

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Please note:  ending spoilers below — do not read further as the ending is revealed!!!!

Question About the Ending:
Can someone explain the ending to me?  There is a final confrontation between Clooney’s and Swinton’s characters where he asks her for money to go away and take the incriminating document with him.  She finally agrees, and when she does the police swoop in and arrest her and/or the CEO, as Clooney had his phone on so the cops heard everything.  However, as far as I can tell, neither Swinton’s character nor the CEO did or said anything on the call that would cause them to be arrested.  The authenticity of the report certainly hadn’t been established from a legal perspective, and Clooney merely had a copy of a copy.  Even if it were legitimate, it could fall into the legal realm of stolen intellectual property and inadmissable without further legal proceedings.  Clooney asks Swinton for money to go away and not make trouble, and she agrees.  That is the essence of corporate legal representation…make the judgement call of when it makes more sense to pay than to fight.  If anything, Clooney entrapped her into agreeing to the offer.  In any case, Mynagirl and I have discussed it quite a bit and can’t figure out what triggered the arrests.  If you know what it is, please enlighten us by posting a comment below.  Thanks!

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